Each December teaches me something — I am not in control! Patience is a virtue! It’s not about you! Jesus! But this time, a lesson came to me that still has been hard for me to accept.
Before I explain, I would like to share that my husband and I took this month of December to stay home instead of going on a holiday trip and do some remodeling to our master bath. Because it is December, a week job has turned into a month. Thank God we have another working shower!! With the work being done, I’ve had to stay put. Not so bad I’d say, because I took care of things. The stress with making the decision to remodel of course isn’t easy. Did we time this right? Should we have waited??
However, coming off the shower completion, I caught a cold. And for whatever reason, no matter how I try to avoid getting sick, I can bank “losing” about 5 days. My husband looks at me with compassion, but I can see it on him that he is bummed since it impacts his Christmas cheer. He also sees how I could use some fun considering how these past weeks have been, not all having to do with the remodel.
To add, all those commitments I wanted to keep, Advent exercises, the baking, lunch/dinner dates, etc. get canceled.
With this downtime, I have had time to reflect which is the most important thing I did this whole month.
Referring back now to a lesson learned, it has to do with my response to a loved one and recognizing I am not the book of wisdom.
For years, I’ve giving my ears, heart, hands to my loved one in the same capacity and in the same way. Whenever there’s a crisis, I’m there. This past year has been the toughest and even though, I kept my response in the way I thought our Lord wanted me to, I realized this last time it felt exhausted.
Most of the time when I tried to help, I would end up feeling sick and stressed. Almost like it was flung onto me and left to harm. I don’t think my loved one wanted this to be but also never took notice of it. This time, I felt I had to step away.
Then within one week as I searched and prayed after this last incident, I received 3 confirmations. One direct in prayer, one from a person who had no idea of this issue, and one from a homily. This let me know a change had to become and that I am not God!
As much as it saddens me that even after I confronted this cycle to the loved one, a reaction of anger and bitterness ensued. No matter how I try to clarify or reason, it will be looked at as not loving or not being Christ like.
But I’m not God. My tactics, speech, countless hours, have not changed my loved one to convert their soul. It’s not that I’m saying all I tried is wasted, but that my response must change or I too will be damaged. My loved one has to change in the manner our Lord wants them to and not be satisfied only with peaceful words that come out of my mouth.
I can’t make life better. Only Jesus can. I can’t make you change. Only Jesus can. I can’t take your pain. Only Jesus can.
I trust in God and will continue on how He wants me too. That I can’t change or stop people from doing things that harm. I can only love and point to Him.
May our God who is all merciful break the chain that keeps you from seeking His knowledge.+++