anxiety – Page 2 – CATHOLIC AND CHOCOLATE

Parts Truly Unknown

On Friday morning, I get a text at 6 a.m. from my friend Angela informing me that Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. She knew how much I liked him and knew this would be hard for me to hear. My husband was on his way out for work as I read out the text to him. He said, “I know. I didn’t want to wake you up with that news.” But he knew, it wouldn’t matter how it came, the news was not good.

The rest of the day and now, I still feel a sense of sadness as I know I am not the only one. The media has continually been interviewing his friends, showing past Parts Unknown (his show on CNN), and my social media is covered with his face. Mainly, because I follow many chefs. I have a big interest in the culinary scene due to Bourdain.

After a pilgrimage to Italy in 2006 which came with much anxiety because of fear of travel, my craving for food and travel grew. At that time, to my knowledge, there were not many travel shows other than Rick Steves and Samantha Brown. Much to my delight, the Travel Channel gave us No Reservations where I first became acquainted with Bourdain’s witty culinary ways. It right away captured for me an escape from my life in concrete Phoenix suburbia, track house living.

The trip to Italy placed a sense of adventure in me that I knew had to be somewhat contained. Let me preface here, my life is greatly blessed. To date, my husband and I have traveled abroad two more times after our first Italy trip (London, Paris, Italy again). We travel within the States quite often. However, I long for travel in the sense that I would like to discover it like Bourdain captured it. Places not necessarily on the tourist map.

On Sunday’s, I would look forward to his latest episode. Where was he now? Thailand. Croatia. Turkey. Sicily. His demeanor was also a familiar connection to me. He had a bad boy, rebellious nature. Reminded me of my youthful past and the group of friends I hung around with. His taste in music too was much like mine. A like of rock n roll and classics. His wit also had me laughing as I was amused by how no matter whom he had in his show, he never changed himself to interact with them. He had them laughing. Giving me a sense that no matter what part of the world you are in, we are all the same.

Once his show went from the Travel Network to CNN, I stayed with it. I adapted a viewer relationship via his program. This means about 12 years of fan watching. And with social media, there became another connection. It gave the fan a closer connection to his person who we all believed had the best job in the world. Travel and eat the best food. What could be better? He was the one who introduced me to taking pictures of food and share my experience of it.

He was also very vocal on Twitter about social issues. One in particular had to with the Mexican immigrant and how interwoven their culinary skills are wrapped in America’s fabric. Always pointing out that if we were to walk into any kitchen across the U.S., you would for sure find Mexicans working the kitchen, citizen or not.

Bourdain was not a believer. Often on his show, he would give a tidbit on how he couldn’t rationalize believing in a higher power. I don’t recall him ever pointing out one god over another or Jesus in particular, but he was clear he didn’t believe in any of it. Even when his close friend Eric Rippert was on his show speaking about Buddhism, you could see Bourdain wasn’t fully embracing. Despite him not having faith, I never heard him bash anyone for believing. But I know, it would strike him if he felt a religion was, in his view, destroying a people or nation.

So why do I dedicate a blog to him?

Bourdain’s suicide not only shook me, but it had my mind going. I thought of my cousin Gil who committed suicide in 2010. Thought of my Godmother who was married to him, his two sons, his family. All of us who went through that day with them. The feeling of life spiraling out of control. The big black hard depth of despair. The confusion. The pain.

Here we all saw this man Bourdain on TV just about every week or on social media, seeming to live the life we all wanted. Celebration. Laughter. Good food and beautiful environments. But it wasn’t all true. I mean, did he have that? Yes, I do believe he did. But he also had demons that wouldn’t let him go.

In his early life, he became addicted to heroin. He spoke about the struggles of it and also shared how he was ‘recovered’, yet always conveying, recovery is day to day. Each day, he worked at it as many recovered addicts do. I understand this well. My Dad was a recovered addict. Difference was, my Dad found Jesus and lived his life with freedom from it.

However, from current family who is an addict, heroin is the worst of all drugs you could ever become addicted to. This is one that has effects for the rest of your life. Now, that’s what I have heard scientifically, but I place all in God and know that if Jesus was in their life, it would be different. And you know, I’m no expert and I don’t want to go into heroin effects, mental illness, when is it not mental illness and we call it a demon, or lack of faith issues. I don’t have expertise to discuss.

But what I do want to write about is the soul and how our faith responds to someone who has taken their life.

Because Bourdain was a self confessed non believer, my thought process on his passing made me think about the soul like I haven’t encountered before. Some of his fans were leaving comments on Twitter or Instagram, saying things like “hope you have peace now in heaven or hell wherever you are’, or ‘give them hell’, etc. I thought what darkness!

In my prayer time and reflection about Gil came forth. Thinking about his time of death and what we as a family learned. Although, Gil did believe in Jesus and was Catholic, family was confused on whether his soul went to heaven. And what I found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church forever changed my outlook.

Suicide

2280 Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of.

2281 Suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.

2282 If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law.

Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.

Bourdain stood up for the marginalized. He brought to light topics of the poor, no one else was touching in this form of media. He used his celebrity to bring witness, life that the world sees as dejected because they don’t live like we live. But in reality showed more riches in their cooking or family members. In a sense, we saw the Beatitude come to life “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. And he used that compassion, which I believe was placed in him by God. Even though, he never claim that. And it wasn’t always about the poor, but sharing stories of those living with wars around them.

In God’s mercy, we leave his soul and others who have taken their lives in such despair. For we really do not know. I for one need to be aware to check on another. From the one who we think has it all together to the one who looks like they are crumbling.

My food pics and travel will forever have root in Anthony Bourdain. For these I leave…

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Help us Lord to be more aware. Help us with courage to speak to those who do not show their belief in you Jesus, so that we may direct them to your love and mercy. For we know as St. Peter says “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” Heaven is not out there only in the sky, but can by the grace of God, can be attained in the heart with true joy. In how Your peace can allow them to breathe again. +++

On Mom’s time

My Mom has a rare condition where she has a naturally grown shunt in her liver. The doctor said she was born with it. But over time and at her senior age, her body is beginning to work against it. This means her ammonia levels are always high. Now after, four years of pretty much the same treatment, the medicine (at times) is not enough.

This year, my sister and I, see her struggling more. There is a fine line on whether her behavior is all due to the ammonia or could be mental issues like a decline in her cognitive skills.

On a recent trip, my mom, sister, and I shared, she showed signs that concerned us. Signs that we were thinking could be dementia. Thanks to God on our return from trip, Mom had an appointment lined up with her neurologist. At this time, after an MRI, it has been ruled out.

Now that we know her condition is all due to the ammonia, we’ve been told to keep an eye on her different than before. When she hits those high levels, she’s unaware it’s happening. Life has changed once again. My sister and I no longer feel comfortable in leaving her alone. We also know the control we somewhat had in our day with her has taken another twist. Days, like I’m about to describe, made time stop.

First let me rewind a bit and describe our typical day. We would do some routine errands like going to Walmart. What typically would take 30 minutes would run into an hour or so. Trying to get her to do what she needed quicker time was my aim. I would lose my patience since it would take a while for her to decide what she was looking for or her physical movement would slow her. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about helping her do what she wanted or needed to do, it’s just that I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture.

Now turning to this more recent outing, we had already been in the store for some time. Her focus was off as she would drift in thought of why she was there. We were coming down a main aisle and approached a display of artificial flowers. These were no where on her list, but she wanted to suddenly get some for her room. As I see her reaching to grab some, it just hit me. The distance from me to her changed. I felt a pull in my heart. The conviction came in strong. That I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. That these flowers were the only thing that mattered. And my whole vision by the grace of God showed me its importance.

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how long it takes to do routine things with my mom. I don’t care that she asks me the same questions every time we go there or anywhere. “Should I buy this?” “Should I take my sweater?” “Do you think it’s cold in there?” “Have you checked the mail?”

I’m grateful too my sister and I are honest with her with this all. Explaining what the doctor found and what we’re seeing in her. She acknowledged she’s glad too even though we know she may not fully comprehend what it means.

My prayer now to Our Lord is that He will grace her with better health and that her condition does not get worse. That my family and I can be attentive to make her live the rest of her life with comfort and peace. And if my life, my sister’s life, family’s life is just to respond to her – that we push ours aside for her well being, then we do. I know we just want her to be cared for and safe.

I thank my husband and thank God a million times more because He knew how much I would need Ruben. Not just for the sake of my soul, but for this time in my life. My mom too.

Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” – John 21:18

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Help us Lord! Help us draw nearer to you. +++

Shake the dust

During these days as I’m dealing with a lupus flare triggered on by what is referred to as “overdoing it”, it has me reviewing my life as these occurrences often do.

For one, “overdoing it”. For someone else doing same task, may cause some minor fatigue. Nothing that a good nights rest won’t heal. For me, it puts me out of commission where I have no energy, get exerted easily, body aches (pangs in bones), and fever like spells. Thanks to God, mild, compared to others who suffer flares.

This week I thought I would have open to catch up with some friends and family. With Thanksgiving being next week and the busy holiday season beginning, I thought I could get to some undivided visits but this will have to wait.

With the flares and change in plans, it makes me revisit a repeated life encounter. A situation that for 17 years I’ve had to deal with multiple times and still find people who do not understand – the I’m sorry I have to cancel – or – I’m sorry I cannot attend. Either because I’m not feeling well or to pace myself for events that I had to prioritize.

When these situations come the most exchange that may happen is simply a decline to an invitation or cancel out to a casual meet up. If it permits, person asks, I will give more detail why, which helps me relieve stress. If it doesn’t happen, then I can most likely assume they don’t understand or don’t care. That may be harsh, but at this time in my life, I can basically read it.

So what does this mean? It means I no longer worry for the other person’s reception. For years, it would concern me. Worry me. Make me feel like I would have to make it up to them. Even if I felt I proved I truly cared about them or demonstrated that my relationship to them was important to me in multiple ways. But there are some who count things against you and just like that, nothing you did or who you are is enough to show you mercy.

This passage in Matthew 10 comes to mind when I struggle with letting go of the situation.

MATTHEW 10:12-14

As you enter a house, wish it peace.

If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; if not, let your peace return to you.

Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words—go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.

In my bible study, it was taught this means to move on, let go. If you did what you can and they still don’t receive it, it’s not your problem, it is theirs!

Does it mean you don’t forgive them? No! Don’t remove yourself from them with a hardened heart. Give over the situation to the Lord, let Him take control. It just means you cannot waste your energy on something you no longer have peace with.

It has taken me a while to get to this point in my life. But as I get older with lupus, the challenges are tougher and at times I just go for what is easiest. Some will understand and some will not.

Thank God for those in my life who do understand.

Time

Lately, I’ve been in some kind of mode of embracing the present. It’s not that I have never had these moments before like when at a family gathering, or a trip, or an outing. I have had many that I’m thankful Our Lord push that button in me to recognize so that I can grab onto it. But lately, it seems to be more prevalent.

As I mentioned before, my Mom lives with us. It’s now going on 3 years. However, these last months, she’s been staying with my sister in Tucson. My sister and I both knew this is how it would probably work out with my sister now living in Tucson. It gives Mom the flexibility of having both of our homes to live. Tucson is her hometown and we both want her where she’ll have most peace.

So in this time, Mom not being home with me, I have the time to work on things or be a part of things that I have held off. That’s mainly my issue since I tend to give my attention fully to her when she’s with me. I have not mastered to balance my life and responsibility of her very well.

These days, in whatever it is I’m doing, I find myself stopping to a moment or fixate on what I’m doing more often. It can be anything from a physical ability or the wind hitting my skin. A memory from childhood or a book I’m reading that will make me stop and center on it.

When I recently saw my Mom who I hadn’t seen for three weeks, I just held onto her. Recognizing how I really have missed her. Thanking God to have the time shared.

I’m not sure I fully understand why it’s happening. Part of it, I admit, could be the world news. Random shootings, natural disasters, family suffering…I also think about where my husband and I are in our lives. I’m 46 yrs and he’s 51. The clarity is there that we are letting go of that youthful time and entering the next season. We have lived in our first home for 19 years. And with some recent home projects we have done, I have remembered the memories we have had or our marriage has had living here. Also being aware of some blessed wisdom we have received and awareness of faith in our lives has added to that present moment thought process. In no way am I saying that we are a well oiled machine and got it all right, we are learning each day. But to know and use that basic toolbox of faith and apply it to our lives, means so much at this stage in our lives.

I take this current situation in my life as a gift. I’m sure many of us have it. I’m going to try record about it more. With time passing by fast it seems, I at times get a little anxious because I physically can’t see all I would like. I truly love each one who I know on the most part understand. I can’t get to everyone in the sit down way I would like. Most of the time, I have to compromise how I use my energy. But I can for sure say, I have remembered a life event or given a prayer for each one in present moments each day as I think of them.

I just found this article. I’m sure I’ve learned about this before, but lost its significance. I’m linking it to share so that it may guide you too.

It’s from Catholic News Agency titled ‘Are you missing the gift of the present?’

https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=67

Thank you Lord for giving me this gift I didn’t first recognize as one. Now I will be sure to embrace it even more.

Mexico

Breaking

Hearts around the world unite with yours

Each day

Sadness pours

Cries

Anguish

Prayers are sent

In all your beauty it does not fade

For through your people

His glory remains

Who am I?

A while back I wrote a post that I very much wanted to get off my chest. However, because I was rushing and not paying attention, I deleted it by accident. I still had the subject line “Who am I?” But since then, this post content has changed.

It also has been a while since I’ve written. Lately, my mind has been busy and I just can’t get myself to settle to write.

Whether it’s making sure home life is right and somewhat in order for my Husband and my Mom or tending to opportunities I want to be a part of. For example, I want to do this formation or that formation, listen to this podcast, or read this book. But also, because my mind has been overloaded with news.

For whatever reason, I’ve been home alone these past two days to just “think”. I used to have this quite a bit before my mom moved in with us. I now appreciate it so much more, but I wouldn’t give up taking care of my mom to have it all again. These opportunities that come from time to time are embraced.

So what is it? Why do I feel a bit anxious, a bit emotionally weak? Pretty sure I am not the only one. Social media has so many thoughts about the current world. Sometimes you see one breaking down in tears and another is baking a cake.

But, with the news continually showing what is happening in one country recovering from natural disaster – hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, there is also added threat to this all from a dictator who is pushing his agenda to cause more suffering.

I don’t work, so I don’t have an 8 hour part of my day where I could invest my thoughts into something. So these last two days, I have been praying while doing whatever needs to be taken care of. Praying for those who died, who are waiting to be rescued, who are suffering, grieving, worrying, fearing.

It’s so strange the paradox that is going on. Here in Arizona, these days have been beautiful. Such ease – being able to drink my morning coffee in comfort. Grocery shop with many options. Take a shower. Lay comfortably in my bed at night. Read a book. It feels both guilty and very grateful at the same time.

How are we to keep joy when so much around seems grim?

You know what came to mind? I think of Saint Paul singing in prison.

ACTS 16:17-25

She began to follow Paul and us, shouting, “These people are slaves of the Most High God, who proclaim to you a way of salvation.”She did this for many days. Paul became annoyed, turned, and said to the spirit, “I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her.” Then it came out at that moment.

When her owners saw that their hope of profit was gone, they seized Paul and Silas and dragged them to the public square before the local authorities. They brought them before the magistrates and said, “These people are Jews and are disturbing our city and are advocating customs that are not lawful for us Romans to adopt or practice.” The crowd joined in the attack on them, and the magistrates had them stripped and ordered them to be beaten with rods. After inflicting many blows on them, they threw them into prison and instructed the jailer to guard them securely. When he received these instructions, he put them in the innermost cell and secured their feet to a stake.

Deliverance from Prison. About midnight, while Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God as the prisoners listened…

This passage always blows my mind. Paul didn’t fear what was about to happen to him. He continued to stand up for belief in Jesus and even after they tortured him, he still carried on giving thanks and glorifying God. Making sure all around him witnessed his true example.

Who am I these days? It’s been somewhat challenging with family and friends around me these past weeks, where I suited up the Armor of God to help them in their weaknesses even though I too have felt challenged. Reminding them to pray, not to lose hope, keep reading the scriptures, get to Church.

Who do you say that I AM?  Simon Peter said in reply, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

Whether time is near for Jesus to return, whether there will be much more suffering ahead, I hope our faith becomes stronger and love pours out from our souls. To know Jesus has conquered the world. To continue living each day directing our lives to Him.

Lord God, I want only for the appearance of my face and the depth of my soul to show your presence in my life. Make me an instrument of your peace and use me for your will during these trying days and for what’s ahead so that you find us ready. +++

Ground control to Major Worry

Control.

The battle of ourselves and understanding Our Father who is in control.

Repeatedly throughout my adult life, I have dealt with self control. I had life experiences that only made me teach myself to depend on my responding emotions.

Mechanisms to guard my heart from hurt, pain, confidence, courage.

As I explained in my blogs of transformation from my lupus diagnosis, is where the self control changed.

However, even after years of growing deeper into my Catholic faith, being attentive and obedient, I find myself cave in at times and throw myself back to the pits of self control.

Mostly, when it comes to family issues that grab me with anxiety or worry. Things I wish I could help, but know I physically have no power.

Why is that?

At times, I want to blame it on the lupus. Stress is a factor of what causes lupus flares. I figure, my body does not have any tolerance for worry so as soon as I respond to it in my body, I shut down.

Then, I think, it's my age. Yes, my age. I'm older so any ounce of worry, I shrivel up. That's got to be it too… right?

What I do know is that when I find myself in worry over something, I do feel the Holy Spirit taking hold of me. I will remember to turn it over to Jesus and ask Him to take it. It may not always be that immediate moment, but it does happen.

What I want to attain, is that I don't cause 'me' to happen at any situation in life. I desire my soul to respond by His holy will and just issue a sense of peace to whatever comes my way. I mean, I imagine that's what Pope Francis does and our religious priests and nuns…right? They always look so at peace.

Is this anxious/worry thing a Cross? I wonder, but don't put too much thinking into it since I'm convicted to not focus on it.

In my family, there are many plagued by worry. To the point where it transforms into high blood pressure. Thankfully, I do not have that. But I know my family is prayerful. And whenever something strikes us, I am the one to say to pray. We all do to each other at times. Thanks be to God!!

At this stage in my life, I'm thankful Our Lord helps me to recognize it. I'm thankful my prayer is always asking God to help and take the issue/situation. That I know I'm not stranded in the desert.

And that's just it!

That we live this life continually knowing we are not god. Life will always give us stress. I am not perfect. Will I ever be? That's not my concern either. But that I get stronger in what I know Jesus wants from me.

"Be thou my Wisdom" +++

"I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world.” – John 16:33

Ocean heals

Since I was about 9 years old, I spent my summer vacations in a simple town known as San Clemente. It has grown much since I was 9. Now it’s a vacation destination, many tourists, and pricy living. I was fortunate to have family who lived there so staying for months was no expense problem for my mom and dad. My aunt and uncle lived minutes away from the beach. I was blessed to experience the ocean air and mild summers. The thing is I didn’t know I was blessed.

I always thought when I got to college age, that I would reside in Orange County and attend USC. That all ended when a 6.2 earthquake happened and my foundation shook. Scared me to the core. But even after the earthquake, I would still go visit my family each summer. I just decided I could not live there anymore.

I always felt so comfortable being there. That had a lot to do with my aunt and cousin who treated me like I was a part of their family. During my junior high years this became even more important to me. My mom and dad divorced and all that I thought was secure was broken. My time there healed me. Going to the beach with my cousin, driving around to quaint little shops, eating ice cream at the parlors. My aunt would also make these wonderful dinners that during one summer, let’s just say I grew. Their home and this beach town were refuge for me. When things were rough in my life, the San Clemente beach and my family helped me.

Fast forward, my bout with CDiff also received recompense from the beach. In 2008, thanks to my dear husband, I spent many months with my San Clemente family trying to find peace. I went there either with my mom or on my own. I had terrible anxiety and fear. I remember waking up at times and feeling the urge to take a drink of alcohol at 9 am. That had never happened to me before. I would also have panic attacks and need to take deep breaths to know I was OK. It was horrible.

So there would be many moments where I would just drive by myself and just sit there at the beach or walk on the pier trying to recover. Crying and pleading and asking the Lord to free me.

Then this is when I would begin to envision myself alone in the ocean completely immersed and feeling as though the water was Jesus’ mercy. Letting go of all that I was holding onto and just floating in His care. The image would give me comfort and allow me to breathe again.

That is why I believe today I have such a deep love for the ocean. I don’t just view it as water or a place to vacation to but I correlate it to God and how vast and wide His love is for us and how powerful He is over any pain.

Hand over your worry, fear, anxiety to Jesus and in replace ask Him to give you His peace, patience, and trust. Fall into His mercy and relax yourself in His protection. +++

Music makes the whole world go around

After a week of dealing with a lupus flare, I recalled my hospital stay in 2008 and my long track back to better health during the time I recovered from CDiff .

I did much walking. I would step out of the house and just walk! I had anxiety issues so going for a walk would help. And while I walked I would play my iTunes or play music at home throughout the day.

I’ve always been passionate for the artists I listen to and have always received joy from their songs to this day. I can hit repeat and never get bored.

When I was little, my parents would often have weekend parties. They would play music from Santana, Mexican music artists, and some popular artists of the 1970s and early 80s. I used to love to dance to this music and so I grew a love for music early on.

Then MTV happened. My attachment to music got stronger. And for whatever reason, I became a rebel in my own mind on who I chose to listen to. I ended up choosing to listen to groups that were about some form of leather and spikes. It made me feel tough and almost like showing those around me I’m going against the grain. Yes, I was bad to the bone….. Ha!

My mom bought me a stereo for Christmas one year. She never complained to me, but I wonder now if she regretted it. I would turn the speaker out the bedroom window so that my friends and I could listen to music while playing in the front yard. Not caring or even wondering if the neighbors were disturbed by it. I also had a beat box. Again, going around the neighborhood carrying it, playing the music loud. Sometimes with roller skates on.

Throughout the stages of my life, I have had some sort of theme music to go with it. But now as I’m older, I find myself wanting to only hear the oldies but goodies. It takes me to a time and place that seemed innocent. Tank tops, shorts, ice cream man, trips to the store with my Dad, road trips to California, summer time at the beach, riding my bike through the desert trails, and slow Sunday mornings.

The music stirs a comfort in my heart that satisfies an emotion. I can’t hug my Dad but if I hear a song, I remember him. I can’t go back to family gatherings but feel the joy when a song reminds me of them.

My husband often laughs or is surprised by my knowledge of music. When we are on our drives to meet family and an old song comes on, I begin to sing. He’s surprised I even know the song.

I love music that touches the soul.

During my recovery, I remember playing Chicago – Strong chicago er Everyday. Over and over. It felt like a revival for me. I would sing and dance in our office listening to it. I was by myself all day so I had no worry of looking foolish. And in my heart, I knew during the dance I would give thanks to God for helping me progress.

So when you’re having a rough day, if you can find some time to just sit outside, put your earbuds in, and listen to some old favorites to reach that place, I know it will bring you some peace. Give yourself some time to enjoy.

Here are a few videos of my recent cravings:

Todd Rundgren – Hello It’s Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLeCB7Kn-VE

Van Morrison – Into the Mystic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEvsDuJYEnI

Stevie Wonder – As

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWhMyOs0pCQ

St Cecilia – Patrom Saint of Musicians, Pray for us! Pray that whatever needs healing good music helps us get there!+++

Patience and Prayer

There are things I do a bit different now that my mom lives with us. I find myself not participating in things as much which is somewhat a setback.

There were years after I was diagnosed with Lupus, where I didn’t want to commit to anything. One, it would cause paranoia, the thought of being around social scenes or people made me overwhelmed. Two, my lifestyle changed which meant I no longer was socializing the way I used to. I became more reserved. Mainly because I could no longer physically enjoy a “party” outing. Bars / dance clubs were no longer my thing. My husband , thanks to his commitment to me, did what I wanted to do, so he too stayed away from people and events to stay with me.

However, in the past recent years, I was grooming myself to step out and stop being fearful. Making commitments whether taking classes, volunteer, simple friend dates, etc. I was feeling some confidence.

Lately, it feels like I’m not keeping that up and it’s starting to set me back to the old ways.

But today it hit me. Patience.

Life may have opportunities for me come June. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to get mom active. Use time to create. Just spend the time with her while my husband is working during the day. I need to redirect my focus and be joyful in my day. Not feel burden or weight of what I can’t change but look at what I can control.

Lately, I’ve been praying for the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Praying for change in me. I know that by praying for this my Lord will use me for purpose. Sometimes I think, I’m not around many people how can I be useful. But you never know what His design is if you keep thinking of it in your terms.

This blog for one. I pray that it is a useful tool to get others to relate as a first step closer to hopefully reaching out to Jesus.

Pray too for the gifts of the Holy Spirit! You’ll become salt of the earth if you try! Sometimes we want to get from point A to point B so badly, but it might just take a bit longer. There’s a reason my life is where it’s at. I’m truly grateful I am able to do what I am able to do. Keeping myself purposeful in the capacity that I can.