In this time
I find I
Though numbing as flight in the air
My mind goes
My body foes
God is always near
No drug I took
Just the humdrum of this thing
That comes over me
Stalled like someone who has tripped
Pulling, crawling
Coming to
‘Til a song breaks through
My dependence is new
Tag: autoimmune
Ground control to Major Worry
Control.
The battle of ourselves and understanding Our Father who is in control.
Repeatedly throughout my adult life, I have dealt with self control. I had life experiences that only made me teach myself to depend on my responding emotions.
Mechanisms to guard my heart from hurt, pain, confidence, courage.
As I explained in my blogs of transformation from my lupus diagnosis, is where the self control changed.
However, even after years of growing deeper into my Catholic faith, being attentive and obedient, I find myself cave in at times and throw myself back to the pits of self control.
Mostly, when it comes to family issues that grab me with anxiety or worry. Things I wish I could help, but know I physically have no power.
Why is that?
At times, I want to blame it on the lupus. Stress is a factor of what causes lupus flares. I figure, my body does not have any tolerance for worry so as soon as I respond to it in my body, I shut down.
Then, I think, it's my age. Yes, my age. I'm older so any ounce of worry, I shrivel up. That's got to be it too… right?
What I do know is that when I find myself in worry over something, I do feel the Holy Spirit taking hold of me. I will remember to turn it over to Jesus and ask Him to take it. It may not always be that immediate moment, but it does happen.
What I want to attain, is that I don't cause 'me' to happen at any situation in life. I desire my soul to respond by His holy will and just issue a sense of peace to whatever comes my way. I mean, I imagine that's what Pope Francis does and our religious priests and nuns…right? They always look so at peace.
Is this anxious/worry thing a Cross? I wonder, but don't put too much thinking into it since I'm convicted to not focus on it.
In my family, there are many plagued by worry. To the point where it transforms into high blood pressure. Thankfully, I do not have that. But I know my family is prayerful. And whenever something strikes us, I am the one to say to pray. We all do to each other at times. Thanks be to God!!
At this stage in my life, I'm thankful Our Lord helps me to recognize it. I'm thankful my prayer is always asking God to help and take the issue/situation. That I know I'm not stranded in the desert.
And that's just it!
That we live this life continually knowing we are not god. Life will always give us stress. I am not perfect. Will I ever be? That's not my concern either. But that I get stronger in what I know Jesus wants from me.
"Be thou my Wisdom" +++
"I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world.” – John 16:33
A girl can’t help it!
Stress.
Stress + Lupus = Down time
These last weeks there has been different levels of stress. Some everyday stress that I can deal with and one big stressful situation that with days gone by, seems to have taken its toll on me.
That’s the weird thing with Lupus. You don’t know until it hits you how well you’re coping. It also becomes a pride issue because you want to say “I can handle it” but even when your mind may say that the attacks of stress are already hitting your body.
So now I’m there.
It’s our anniversary week and I have the feeling we will need to postpone a trip we made because of how I feel. I know that anymore added stress will just knock me and keep us from fully enjoying our time.
The good thing is that it really has been a long time since I’ve felt like this. It’s also not as bad as past flares but I know enough to know my limits.
The symptoms for this flare are mainly fatigue, wiped out energy, and a bit dizzy. If I have any energy, whatever ounce there is and I use, I’m down again.
Really as long as I’m with my husband to celebrate our 21st anniversary it doesn’t matter where we are.
Thanks be to God for His graces! No matter what, I know I am blessed to be where I am.+++
Lupus Flares…Blessing reminders!
Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). In the beginning, I was often sick. I was prescribed heavy medication that for the most part, didn’t make me feel any better. I remember the sense of trying to find control and how I was going to live with this new life. Even though, I tried to hold onto my job, the stress of being reliable for my employer grew to be too much, so I quit. As I explained in my other blog posts, since then I did take other employment and volunteered which helped me grow as a person with an illness.
After 5 years of taking the same formula of medication, I dropped two of the heavy prescribed and stayed on one. Most lupus patients, may find it surprising, but I was on a steady dose of prednisone for 11 years. I had always did well with my doctor visits and health that taking prednisone was easy for me. If a flare came up, I would just increase my dosage and like magic it would work instantly. However, due to doctor pressure, he told me it was no longer good for me to be reliant on and asked me to consider changing to plaquenil. I hesitated. Two years I hesitated until finally I prayed to Our Lord and asked Him to please help my fear. In 2012, I began taking plaquenil and since then, thanks be to God, I’ve done really good.
I mean, I still get flares and I noticed that when I get sick…I’m sick! Whether cold or flu…it hits hard but all in all, I think I’m handling them fine. I can’t increase the plaquenil when I do get a flare and now…I just “suffer” through it. The flares are mostly the same. Headaches, hot face/fevers, joint pain achy, fatigued, low energy, sometimes nausea.
But I have to say…now when I do get flares, I find myself in an emotional spin.
It makes me think of those with lupus who suffer far greater than me. Who are hospitalized. Who have to take chemotherapy. Who cannot get out of bed. Who have no one to help them. Who do not have the luxury of having to maintain a job.
I know I am blessed beyond my way to attempt try and explain. I know I have everything in my environment to deal with the case of the flare ups. But at times, I wonder if I am not doing enough to battle them! Do I give in too easily when the flares happen? Do I not work through them by pushing myself? Am I not training my spirit enough to be more of a fighter when they come?
There is also the mental battle determining if this the “big one”?
I can’t help at times think that my lupus could get worse. Here I am going on fifteen years of SLE and all of it, in my view, has been such a blessing compared to other’s experiences. Yet, every time I get blood work, the rheum always communicates that my markers are clear. The type of lupus I have is the terminally ill form. For years, I’ve worked with my Lord in pushing that out of mind. To demonstrate my life with the graces He gave me to show others, I accept His will and do my best for others. To share with others, what He has taught me.
In these last three days, I’ve been going through a flare. I know it probably came on due to stress. Yet, my approach is the same. Decline all events. Find myself less sociable. Rest. But this time, I feel like I need to do more. So this time, I write.
Sitting in Mass yesterday, I asked my Lord for His will be done onto me. Each and every time a flare happens. It is a purging in some sense. Because it stops me and makes me think of my mortality. What matters. What I need to let go. How much I want to be ready for Heaven.
Flares make you feel like life is passing by and you only have energy to look at it go by.
They are reminders when you are feeling great the other 98.9% of the time to do something with it. From the smallest gesture in a day to something grand. I ask my Lord to help me with that! To help me with the battle of when it feels like I’m not fighting hard enough and instead of dragging that Cross He’s given you, to carry it up high, like an army soldier raising a victory flag! 🙂
Remember, suffering is part of your Christian transformation. Respond to it! When you do, Jesus will fill your life in ways you didn’t have before. +++
How I learned grace from Cdiff!
When I got really sick with C-Diff in 2008, my stomach, digestion, and lifestyle changed. I had caught a bad cold and made the mistake by going to an urgent care center. Having Lupus, I should have waited to see my doctor. So the urgent care center, gave me a general prescription to treat cold with a 14 day antibiotic.
I took it and immediately after stopping, I got sick. It depleted all the good bacteria in my intestines. C-diff kicked in my already low immune and I was sent to the ER. I had severe pain in my stomach. I couldn’t stop going to the bathroom. I was feverish. They admitted me and placed me on powerful antibiotics and morphine. I was weak and miserable. The hospital doctor said that I could’ve died. I still can’t believe that!
I was mad that I couldn’t go home by the second night and was released on the fifth day. At this time, my emotional demeanor took a bad turn.
The first night home was awful. I cried in panic over what I was feeling physically. I couldn’t sleep at all. So for days after, the routine was the same. I sweat through t-shirts at night, didn’t eat much throughout day, always woke up with anxiety, stayed in our room for the most part, and cried. When I left the hospital, they continued me on a high antibiotic. During the day, my mom or sister would take care of me. Mom made cream of wheat cereal, which was the only thing that would satisfy my hunger and go well in my stomach. I ate it for dinner too.
After a week or so, I remember having an urge to just be by myself. So I asked my mom and sister to go out for a bit. As soon as they left, I dropped down and cried. I felt suffocated. I cried in fear asking God once again to help me out of this misery.
Days ahead, I tried to start eating again. From the time I was in the hospital to about a week out, I had lost much weight. When I had a follow-up visit with the doctor I weighed in at 98 pounds. I tried to reintroduce food into my system again. But everything I ate hurt to digest. It wasn’t worth it. So then I started becoming accustomed to a new diet. A friend of mine introduced me to JuicePlus supplements and alkaline foods. I couldn’t eat any fried foods, any rich sauces, any dairy, any treats/baked goods, etc. Couldn’t drink coffee like I used to. I also started taking a daily probiotic supplement that helped with good bacteria. All started to give me some life again.
But this was only one side of the struggle.
Even though I could start eating again, my emotional battle was something else. I felt many days as if I was trying to run away from myself. Still had anxiety and panic attacks. I spent much time with my aunt who lived near the ocean. The ocean gave me relief. Some peace. For about six months, I still had been living this same way. In the midst of it all, I was prayerful, attending Church, and keeping up with life. I know that my prayer had to stay strong. I knew Our Lord was helping me even if I couldn’t see the results right away. I remember getting myself to weekday Mass not feeling good and fighting with the thoughts of just going home, staying in bed. Kneeling in the pew, feeling dizzy and weak, but always feeling better after.
It took about two years, before I could have coffee the way I liked – cappuccinos, lattes. I also started eating some fried foods and enjoying my favorite food – Italian. Much time after that, I was able to drink wine, eat rich cheeses, ice cream, salad dre
ssing, chili/salsa which is where I am now.
I have a new profound respect for food. I also have this defense in that if a sick person wants to eat something that no one should stand in their way. Obviously, I don’t mean a diabetic. My Dad during his battle with cancer still had an appetite and I loved watching him eat. Food gives so much comfort! Now I recognize that when I do get sick if I can still eat and taste the food, I’m good! What is also strong to my senses is human suffering. My body reacts different when I find what pain and suffering someone maybe going through. A sense I didn’t have before.
I love to make food and try new recipes. I love to go out to eat, try new spots, and enjoy meals with friends and family. I even plan trips with my husband based on the food scene in those places. Food is my joy. If I can enjoy it without it causing my health to go bad, then I’m going to enjoy it and not feel bad if a pound or two latch on. I can’t only do healthy eating. We do well during the week, we balance and then on the weekends we feast!
And never once do I take my eating for granted. I give thanks to God we have the food to eat and enjoy all its flavor.
So the point is even though I had already experienced much with my faith at this time, my response to this trial was different. I had never known fear this way. I had never experienced panic attacks. My faith in action was completely new and the battle for my soul was on! But I never took the bait even after months of having to fight it! And that’s it! Your prayer is always heard. Never stop praying or speaking to Our Lord always offering up your suffering for His peace in your heart. You keep on and He will make all things new! +++
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Lupus…thank you God!
From the time of diagnosis (SLE) through now, my faith has carried me through. I have not always responded in the best way, but I learned much and it has given me a deeper relationship with Jesus.
So much of my life after my lupus diagnosis took different directions that I soon realized my life wasn’t mine but Our Lord’s.
When I was diagnosed, I had been going to Church but I was not yet knowing the whole picture. My husband hadn’t been going and we were married for 4 years at this time.
There were many signs and symptoms I was having that led up to this, but even once learning what it was, I had some denial. I was even more shocked to learn the lupus I was diagnosed (and there are 3 forms), is the terminally ill one.
Even though I thought I would have some time to wrap my head around this new reality, turned out not to be the case for me. My physical pain took over. I was given some heavy duty drugs to cope. I started losing hair and gaining weight because of the prednisone. My stomach was always making me uncomfortable or in pain. I had less energy and started to find myself less outgoing. To top it off, the sun became an enemy and of all places to live, Arizona, was hard to avoid.
At one point after having to call into work sick every week, I remember crying and just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I was home alone, got out of bed, and looked out of our bathroom window just asking God to help me.
My work had become more difficult to do and I took this hard. I had worked myself into a promising career and then had to let it go, at least for a while I thought. So I had to resign.
I wanted to be a part of something so I signed up to go to a bible study and attended a women’s fellowship at our Church. I met some great people and felt very comfortable. Eventually, I went on a retreat with my husband that was life changing for the both of us. My husband’s oldest brother had passed away and his heart too was seeking answers to what was going on with his life and connection to those who were suffering.
For the both of us, we started to take our faith more seriously. I remember having a huge desire to learn more about the faith even during the hard hit news abuses of the Church and the number of people leaving. I felt a clear distinction that my faith was real and could not be broken. There was too much I didn’t know about it to leave it and the atrocity, the evil, that wanted to ruin it wasn’t going to include me as a collaborator to break its foundation. As it’s said in Mass, “Look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church”.
Sure enough to this day, I find myself defending Church teaching to untruths. Getting stronger cleared my eyes to see I am a part in the Body of Christ.
My fervor grew and I tried things I didn’t think I would do like public speaking, host bible studies at our home, and volunteer.
When my Dad got diagnosed with stage 4 sarcoma, I felt as though I had been prepared. It gave me new insight to suffering as I saw my Dad go through it. 
He too found Jesus after he spent most of his adult life to drug and alcohol addiction. He became a born again Christian and restarted his life. So when we got news of his cancer, our family life was about helping him. My Dad passed away 6 months later.
A few months after, my husband and I were blessed to go on a pilgrimage to Rome. The timing was perfect! It swept us off our feet! All the rich Church history, meeting other Catholics who were in different points in their journey, and answers to areas of the Church we thought we knew. This experience placed love in our hearts and protection for our faith to not just see our faith as a building and good advise but living, breathing, as clear as Christ is the Church! Can’t separate.
There was a conversation I had with a friend close to this time. She asked me if I was angry at God for allowing my lupus to be. It hit me and said to her it was a blessing. From it, my life has forever changed in my deeper faith to Him and continues too. Thanks be to God! +++
“What is born of flesh is flesh and what is born of spirit is spirit. Do not be amazed that I told you, ‘You must be born from above.’ The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes; so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” – John 3:6-8
CATHOLIC AND CHOCOLATE 