Church – CATHOLIC AND CHOCOLATE

Mothers

Motherhood is such a gift!

It is the gift of all gifts given to a soul, female soul. The ability to conceive, give birth, nurture. That’s the task. The main reason why she was put on the earth to have a child, children.

God is the Creator. Nothing else gives life unless He wills it. To gift a woman to conceive, is an extension of His divinity. It’s an act of great favor.

All that signifies safety, home, and a love special comes from a Mother. She is the shelter and light when all seems chaotic. She’s the peace pushed forth from Father God to distribute kindness and gentleness.

The gifts designed for the Mother were intentional to shape the world. No other being can fully share that love like a Mother. It is when she lives with a faith and belief in God that it becomes truly perfect.

On this Mother’s Day, I am grateful for my Mom Barbara and the special love she allowed to breathe through her from the Holy Spirit. I cannot describe in words how blessed I am that she was my Mom. To my sister Denise for commitment of being my help and shield, my Godmother Diana for stepping up when I needed support, and all aunts and cousins, who have shown me unconditional care and concern.

“Women are more capable than men of paying attention to another person, and that motherhood develops this predisposition even more.” – St. Pope John Paul, Mulieris Dignitatem, The Dignity of a Woman

“Thank you, women who are mothers! You have sheltered human beings within yourselves in a unique experience of joy and travail. This experience makes you become God’s own smile upon the newborn child, the one who guides your child’s first steps, who helps it to grow, and who is the anchor as the child makes its way along the journey of life.” – St. John Paul, Letter to Women

Letter to Women by Pope John Paul

Will the Light

Today, was the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception. I went to my parish 8:30a Mass. I’ve been dealing with restlessness and anxiety for weeks due to mourning my Mom.

She passed away in April, but as the grieving process goes, and the holidays upon us, it feels like she passed away yesterday.

My days have been fidgety, but no matter how I busy myself, I keep to The Bible in a Year study even though I’m about 3 months behind. Life took some turns these last months and so I couldn’t keep up. Even if I did have time, I couldn’t focus.

But it’s been a saving grace for me. Listening, thinking, has given me the fuel to get through the day. I always feel peace and a bit stronger after I do my study. Most times, it does feel like I’m reaching for Our Lord’s garment.

During Advent, I admit I’ve been sluggish in what I wanted to do which was to attend weekday Mass twice a week. Because today was a holy day, I for sure did not want to miss.

Fr. Augustine, a new priest to our parish, was the celebrant. He’s known to give powerful homilies. You know when he wants you to get a point because his voice changes to a loud, deeper tone.

In his homily, he spoke about letting go of things that weigh us down. In contrast, the easy response from Mary, when she said yes to do God’s will. He also spoke about how disobedience is not only in the actions that lead to sin, but the inactions as well. For some divine reason as Fr. was speaking, it touched my soul how there has still been regrets. Much having to do in the inactions in how I dealt with the caretaking for my Mom. Holy Spirit prompted me to give it all to God – thoughts, sorrow, heartache, remorse, regret, the actions/inactions, doubts, etc. Intermixed with grieving of my mom’s absence, my soul is wrecked each day with what I wished I could’ve done or corrected. Because I’m not ever going to get that chance again, I feel as though I live in this odd, incomplete life.

That morning, Jesus made me see I can no longer do that.

Now even when thoughts try to stick in my mind, I quickly give it to God. Recognize what’s happening and pray.

This Christmas season feels numb. Days are moving, but I feel like it’s not really here, which makes Advent more difficult. I know the Lord sees me and knows my heart. I try to keep a grip and thank Him for everyday for the joys that did come.

25 Years

Twenty five years young, Ruben and I celebrate today. On February 16,1996 we said our “I do’s” with little knowledge we knew of what a commitment for life would mean. From the moment of our big wedding until now, our lives would grow in ways we didn’t know we needed. And that’s all in thanks to Jesus!

When we met in 1991, we were coworkers who then hung out as friends. It took a while to realize we wanted to date each other. And once we did, it soon became clear to me, who I wanted as my forever mate.

I came from a life of no structure and Ruben came from clear opposite. He came from a life of confidence and was I still seeking it. We both had some seeds of faith sprinkled in our lives that our family had given us, but neither one of us understood it as a priority or its strong purpose.

But through each movement, Ruben let me see his trust. That when his proposal came with the truest love I have ever seen, I said yes with all shakiness and insecurity inside of me. I used to look back at times and think how did I deserve his offer? But now my thoughts confidently shift and know whole heartedly, it was divinely designed. A year later, the great day came. When we took each other’s hands, in God’s presence, and vowed our forevers.

We quickly initiated our marriage life away from our hometown and worked towards our budding new careers. A few years later, a new home, a new stage of life, and a new stage of growth.

In 2001, five years later, lupus changed our stride. Making me weak and having us see, there was lack of importance in our marriage that needed our attention.

Then our brother passed away. And my Dad did too. Life kept teaching us fragility, sacrifice, commitment, and the need to turn to God in every way.

God has continually moved in our lives to grow in areas we didn’t know we needed. To mature and strengthen for what came next. But this only came because we gave Him access into our marriage. Showing us the life we needed to have Him, breathe in us.

And from the very beginning even though we came into our marriage with thorns and thistles (pains/brokenness from the past) to what we thought was enough to offer our marriage, God little by little began to bloom and sow our love throughout these 25 years. How much we were unaware of the need of Him in the soil of souls. To become who we are today and yet better, by God’s grace, who we are tomorrow.

Our life is ever changing and so is our maturity. We are nowhere perfect, but we help each other along the way. We know now our true life is handing over the control and giving to God what is His. To strive for a better marriage not just for ourselves, but for others to whom He places in our lives. It truly is all thanks be to God.

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Happy 25th Anniversary, my Hub.

My hero, my best friend.

Check your oil!

For about a week, it feels as though there is a turn happening. I don’t know if it is actually happening all parts of the world or just what it seems like for me. The feeling feels like a coming on the verge of something.

Part of it, I believe, stems from fatigue now caused by the continued quarantine and restrictions. I hear it in my relatives voices and see it in the eyes of strangers. At the grocery store, where usually small talk happens, the aim is now the quicker the customer moves out of the way, the better.

Protests under the name of “Black Lives Matter” continue to happen to a degree in cities across the United States, but it appears now some are disguising under it and are rebels causing havoc on the police and city structures.

Racial history and education still much on the forefront, as it should be. Self reflection from individuals to enterprises, changing their company names and associations to themes associated with racial slurs or connotations.

There are those a part of this rebel agenda, who are trying to hijack the race discussion by turning their attention to the Catholic faith in vandalizing statues or churches. They believe these Saint statues were a part of racial injustices. On top of, there have been fires in different parts of the world that have ruined aged cathedrals. One, I know to be arson. The others are still under investigation.

Because there are more issues populating the news feed outside of the Corona virus, it only adds to the hysteria and paranoia to more and more people. People’s patience turning into anxiety, fear, and deeper worry. I have caught myself into it. I feel it physically. Today, I find out my very special aunt who has Parkinson’s is battling it to a high degree. There’s constant news thrown in your face on all the many things happening in our world instead of calming people in the changes that may need to be. Namely, that corona may be here for a while, but on the horizon, a vaccine to help combat it.

Unfortunately, I had to confront a sister of mine on a video she was sharing. This wasn’t the first time a video like this had been sent to me by family. But I had to. Videos like this surfacing all over social media. People giving attention to false prophets telling them that the George Floyd death was planned. Corona virus being provoked by the Democrats. Political talk that shimmers light on a figure that shows them walking a righteous path of God ignoring facts that not all steps have been the best for some individuals or people.

I told her to stop buying into this propaganda. To save them self away from this undue fear. How much the enemy wants us to play into these games and be trampled on in our souls and family lives. Invoking despair and passing it onto others as to lose focus on what we should be focusing on.

As I finished writing this, the thought of the virgins with the lampstands came to mind.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins.“Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them,but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps.Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep.At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps.The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked.Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Therefore, stay awake,^* for you know neither the day nor the hour.

My armor and might the Lord has reminded me is to fight with prayer, repentance, and love. To continue to point others to Whom we place our trust and to give Him all control. The day is not to be used in fear, but to pray and love one another. Those are things we can be definite about to our day. Nothing else is in our control. Let’s give Him our days.

Not a time to be lukewarm

During the start of the COVID19 quarantine, I decided to redo a study of Revelation that I had done a while back from my parish. The study is from Jeff Cavins who created The Great Adventure Bible Study. I’ve taken a few of his studies and can’t express enough how much I learned and refer back to.

I was glad that I purchased the audio tapes since I could listen along with my study in one room , while my husband in the front of our house, so not to disturb him.

With the pandemic still lingering over our heads with an increase of uncertainty, I thought why not add more to my mind and redo Revelation. Because those that know me, know I take stress very well. I kid. I kid.

Early on, I knew I could only read two chapters a day along with a lesson. And right from the start, the parallels of the readings were relative to the day. You could not help but be gripped in seeing that!

At the same time on social media, I would see posts about the rapture, end of times, Bill Gates using a vaccine as an indicator of the number of the beast, all news stories proving to be we are at the end of the world. Most of these, I dismissed and still do. Because my faith doesn’t teach me to get wrapped up in the signs, but to invest my relationship with our Lord. However, that’s not to say, the turmoil and chaos was expressing the same messages from the bible. Shocking? No, that’s what it’s about.

Most of the days, our attention and focus was on the virus, until May 25th.

On May 25th, a Minneapolis officer and a black man, changed the course of our country’s attention and impacted the world. George Floyd was arrested for trying to use a counterfeit bill at a deli. (See https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/31/us/george-floyd-investigation.html). This resulted in a homicide. The officer was charged with third degree murder. There were three other officers involved, but have yet to be charged. This entire incident was recorded. It not only showed what the officers and Floyd were doing in the arrest, but you hear pleas for help from Floyd saying, “I can’t breathe!”

For over a week, our nation went from a somewhat relaxed, cautious position coming out of quarantine, to being thrown into bowl of anger, unrest, sadness, and hurt. For me it’s hard to gauge sometimes where the population stands because obviously, social media can make it appear one way, but we really don’t know. Those who are protesting this are using social platforms for the most part, but have taken to protests in city streets. By the third day, the protests began to ignite vandalism and destruction, burning down police stations, small businesses, looting, and spray painted. The scenes of the cities now look like the pages of a futuristic comic book.

President Trump initially gave a strong, sympathetic response to the death of George Floyd. Days after, when our country needed to hear more, as it only got worse, silence not only from him but our leaders as well. Police are now armed in riot gear, show up to the city protests everyday and night. Trump has now called for the National Guard to assist because the States are not doing a good job of combating the problem. The protest continue and are growing, however the dissenters are infiltrating the protests appearing as protesters and making it worse for the message. This is causing people to not pay attention to the issue but only look at the destruction. They can’t see that it isn’t just a Black race issue, it’s a spiritual war.

Back to Revelation, I remember grabbing my study and referring to a passage about the Red Horse rider, chapter 6.

3When he broke open the second seal, I heard the second living creature cry out, “Come forward.”4^* ^b Another horse came out, a red one. Its rider was given power to take peace away from the earth, so that people would slaughter one another. And he was given a huge sword.

Jeff Cavins spoke about this passage in the context that it meant civil unrest and international strife. Now, again, I’m not meaning to just point out signs. I don’t meant to just refer to each and every sign . But the fact is the enormity of this reality not just here, but in China as well, as Hong Kong is uprising against the government. I know this passage can definitely mean in a extreme case, and by the grace of God, because our prayer is great, it won’t become that.

There are Catholics, Christians, fighting together and fighting against each other. One is fighting for conversation, education and unity and the other wants you to see that it’s a liberal campaign. Those that detract from the message cannot see that Catholic isn’t standing up for one side only, it’s all the human race. It’s not just the Black man, but the law enforcer too. It’s the shop owner whose store front was burnt down. It’s the White faithful who loves their Church. It’s about the Hispanic community wanting a voice on faith based issues. It’s about change to open dialogue seeing each other with a deeper lens. It’s not about defense, it’s about aiming for peace and healing. Not carrying a rigid position that you’re not letting go of your opinions and/or beliefs for no one and nobody. How is the world going to get to a place of peace, a principle, a virtue from our Lord, if we don’t let go of ourselves to get there?

John 15

The World’s Hatred.^*18“If the world hates you, realize that it hated me first.ⁿ 19If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you.^o 20Remember the word I spoke to you,^* ‘No slave is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.^p 21And they will do all these things to you on account of my name,^* because they do not know the one who sent me.^q 22If I had not come and spoken^* to them, they would have no sin; but as it is they have no excuse for their sin.^r 23Whoever hates me also hates my Father.^s 24If I had not done works among them that no one else ever did, they would not have sin; but as it is, they have seen and hated both me and my Father.^t 25But in order that the word written in their law^* might be fulfilled, ‘They hated me without cause.’^u

COVID19

This post has been transpiring since March 3rd, but only now I sit and write.

The world has been struck a virus. A deadly virus that was born in China and spread rapidly throughout the world (even though that’s under investigation of its origin). Each country receiving devastating results. Hospitals past capacity, treating patients in tents outside as well. In the United States, it hit the State of Washington first. Initially, this virus, called COVID19 (Corona virus), was informed as attacking the elderly and those who are immune suppressed. As the world was showing, as days passed, the information started changing by the minute. It now is known as attacking anyone. No clear rule or definition. People surviving on ventilators. Becoming very sick, near death without any underlying health issues. At this point, after almost 3 months, the world seems to be calming down from this virus.

Because of the rapid spread, the world was on quarantine, which happen to begin when Lent was still in effect. Quarantine, by the way, is a Latin word meaning forty days of isolation. Countries began to follow suit and forbid people to go out, only if medical attention or to buy food. The phrase “shelter in place” or “stay home” commonly used so that people understood staying home meant less spread of the virus. This only drew up fear in some that the shopping frenzies began. People stormed to the grocery stores, big box stores, and bought out all the toilet paper, hand sanitizer, etc. For weeks, people would crowd and stockpile items that didn’t have to be taken since the quarantine never meant you couldn’t go out to buy things when needed.

During the initial weeks, my husband and I were home, while Mom whom we care for, was with my sister.

The daily news fed stories on hospital workers, grocery workers, Amazon (on-line store) workers, “essential workers”, that were working around the clock trying to keep up with the demand. Everyday around three o’clock, the President would give a press conference with some medical professionals and scientists on what is being monitored, done to help, and future impact.

My husband who works for healthcare, was non stop busy from March 3 for a month. There would be days that he didn’t leave the face of his computer. He was working around the clock along with his staff and the entire hospital. All that they were working on came to a screeching halt because the focus turned to COVID19 and how the hospitals were responding. Extra facilities were being opened up to house the not so critical patients so that the hospital could deal with the high number of COVID19 patients. Weeks of intense issues popping up everyday. There was a moment in the late evening, husband still on a conference call, where I heard him say “hold on, my head is spinning.” I felt helpless.

All I did while my husband worked away was prepare him meals and pray. I prayed and prayed. Along with all my family and friends. The world. Out of our control. And from my experiences due to my health, that was somewhat normal.

Then, we received news that we could no longer attend Church. That due to the virus spread, we couldn’t by law be in a congregation setting. Rules starting to dictate no more than 10 can be together. Keep six feet apart. Wear a mask. The virus was airborne and so everything that brought people together, could no longer. Sports, concerts, movie theaters, etc.

Initially, Ruben did all the shopping. Due to my immune and not having a supply of masks, he would go and buy us what we need. We bought food that we felt could last us some weeks. Good in that, we don’t normally eat much on our own.

In the beginning of the quarantine, it felt like okay, this is what we have to do. We’ll handle it! So did our neighborhood and community. We all felt like we will be at peace and have patience. Tons of neighbors walking about. For the most part, people were working from home too so you would see them out all hours of the day.

Then more orders from the government came. Adding more weeks to the quarantine because states like New York and California were hitting devastating numbers of patients and deaths.

In the midst of monitoring the United States and the our impact, I was also seeing China and Italy. They too had devastating cases, but then you saw that the virus had touched the whole world except for Antarctica. India was and is still being hit harshly and it appears their government is only making it worse.

The month of March happened in a second.

April started to feel less strained and with holy week approaching, it felt like no other holy week. Again, none could attend Church and out of all weeks of the year, this is the week most attend. Not even explaining the loss of the Eucharist and how odd on so many levels it was, still is, not to receive.

Pope Francis called for prayer many times throughout. The impact of his prayer and focus for all to watch on TV or live stream, I know for me, meant so much. There was a moment during a special prayer, where he upheld the monstrance outside of St Peter’s in a way that through the TV, struck my soul. Tears abound.

Throughout April until now, our family dealt with trials in the midst of the pandemic. Thanks to God not due to financial needs, but physical and mental health. I felt like the need and call for prayer has intensified each week. I’m sure we are not the only ones feeling this.

Easter brought hope! Renewed faith. The extra weeks of quarantine were coming to an end. Stores were now showing a normal supply of stock. Some exhale was beginning.

May 15th, the date the State of Arizona ended quarantine. Restaurants, salons, shopping centers, all were allowed to open up but only with strict rules. Wear a mask at some and others, your choice. Stay 6 feet apart. Only so many allowed in a store at a time. Enter in one way, exit another. But hey, it’s better than nothing.

Then there became talk about wearing a mask. Mask shows weakness. Liberal agenda insisting on wearing a mask. The most hilarious conversation on the use of a mask. Yes, I wear my mask. I still do. Did before and do now. Lupus will teach you that!

Three weeks out now, but now our world is addressing another virus. On May 26th, a police officer made a decision that has affected our focus once again. Look up George Floyd. I will use another blog to address this event because it has caused me to unpack so many thoughts and feelings.

Don’t know if we will ever get back to normalcy. These last weeks all feel like one month. My husband and I haven’t visited our families. We miss them. We miss doing ordinary things, but know we have a purpose and call to prayer to get us through. All that is happening is requiring us not to just think of ourselves, our country, but the world. How much we are in need of each other. It doesn’t end. The reminders in various ways. And throughout it all, the deep rooted biblical messages. That too, I would like to dive into in another blog.

The chant in the beginning of the pandemic, “We’re all in this together!” I hope so.

Primal Loss Book Review

There was a book circulating on Instagram from those I follow that caught my attention, “Primal Loss, The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak” by Leila Miller.

It didn’t take me long to realize this would be a tough one to read.

Leila Miller, a Catholic author/writer, compiled questions and answers from participants from all walks of life. The book, “gives voice to the adult children of divorce. Their stories are not pretty. ..breaks through layers and layers of pro-divorce propaganda.” Answers are given numbers to keep the participant anonymous. Much of the responses I could relate to, to the point of highlighting, noting a page, and writing in my answers.

Chapter one, “The Effect of the Divorce”, the first question, ‘What effect has your parents’ divorce had on you?’ The answers are raw and some sound as if they are still struggling. Response noted: “Stunted my ability to properly form my own emotions” and “parental presence, instruction, and stability were often missing in my childhood.”

The second chapter, “Feelings as Child vs. Feelings as Adult, what is the difference between how you felt about divorce as a child and how you feel about it as an adult?” There was a response I highlighted from a woman who spoke about her brokenness and how she carried it into her marriage. That early on, she wrestled with the behaviors, but thanks to God, her husband, “never gave up…even when I gave him reason to walk away…through their marriage, I have come to learn what love means, what truth means.”

Third chapter, “View of Marriage, has our parents’ divorce affected your own marriage or your view of marriage?” A reply noted: “I struggle with trusting my husband. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I am sure must be related to the feeling of abandonment by my family of origin.”

Fourth chapter, “Are children resilient? What do you want to say to people who say that ‘children are resilient’ and ‘kids are happy when their parents are happy’ and ‘kids of divorce will be just fine and will go on to live successful lives?” Responses marked: “What divorce does is shatter that universe in a drastic and traumatic way, and there’s no coming back from that. It even changes the way you perceive reality, you become anxious, nothing ever feels safe or predictable, and you’re always waiting for the piano to fall” and “I was never happy with the way things were. I simply accepted that I had no control over any of it.”

Chapter five, “Speak to your parents, then and now, what would you say directly to your parents…how it affected you, would you advise them to do it differently?” Response noted: “I would have told them that God must be at the center of their marriage, that they were losing focus on the family, and that they were pursuing too much of their own self interest” and “I didn’t even know my pain was buried, but every now and then something would trigger this little girl inside of me.”

Chapter six, “What society should know, what do you most want adults in our society to know about how divorce affects the children?” Response noted: “I’d want them to know that divorce is likely affecting their kids in way that they, the adults, can’t see or understand” and kids “often don’t gain the vocabulary and perspective to even begin to articulate all they are experiencing and questioning until well into adulthood.”

Chapter seven, “The role of faith in healing, what role has your faith played in your healing?” Response noted: “My faith taught me that marriage is a vocation that leads me to unification to God. It isn’t “romantic” love or superficial happiness; true love is an act of will.”

Chapter eight, “To those facing divorce, what would you want to say to children facing their parents’ divorce today?” Response noted: “You will confuse them and make them feel abandoned in the process” and “all the positive things you modeled for your children will be eclipsed by the disordered things you modeled when divorce is the punchline” and “even though they are children, they have a voice and should say, loud and clear, what they are feeling.”

Now my response.

I begin by admitting, the book took me a while to finish. For whatever reason, I would become anxious before and while reading. There were emotions, thoughts, that I felt I was clear of, but then memories surfaced that I had forgotten. I would stop and think, text my sister, ask for her recount. Sometimes, I would ask my Mom questions throughout the day, to see if she could recall situations. And for those who don’t know me or my blog, my Dad is no longer alive. He passed away in 2006 from sarcoma cancer. However, before my Dad died, we did talk and reconcile (thanks be to God).

Before I go any further, I wanted to share when I found out my parents were divorcing. It was a weekday morning. I was leaving to go to school in 7th grade. That’s when I was given the news. I clearly remember it was in the winter, clear morning, and my world began to close in. My sister, who is eight years older than me, was already married with her new little family. My Dad was quickly out of the house which left just Mom and me. Mom worked a full time job and soon began to search in her ways of attention and self seeking joy. In 7th grade, I tried marijuana and alcohol and continued using through my Sophmore year of high school. Time at home on the weekends was on my own or, thanks to my sister, spent with her on the weekends. My Mom and Dad led selfish lives fulfilling their own needs and not looking towards mine. I was fed and clothed, but the impact of my parents non-emotional non-spiritual care was heavily felt.

Even after reconciling with my mom a couple of years ago, this book pushed out things I still had trapped in my heart I didn’t know I had. Thankfully, when we spoke she listened to me when I vented the pain it caused me. Mom is 77 years now. So even though, there are more things I would like to clear up, she can’t recall nor does she have capacity to help me resolve. In a way, once I realized that, it saddened me because I know I will need to deal with it with God and on my own.

This book was a challenge, but I know I had to read it not just for me, but also for my nephews and niece who are also victims of divorce. I can see much of their own behaviors in the book that match. They are adults now. This book gives me knowledge that I could help them in ways I didn’t notice before.

But I think the biggest thing I took away from this book, is my progress made by faith as a now adult child of divorce.

There was a moment in the book when I jumped up, put the book down, and ran over to my husband and cried to him. I literally saw God’s hand paint over my life from the time of the family destruction to where I am now. Holding my husband’s hand, I cried and said, “Thank you! Thank you for staying with me in the beginning when our first years of marriage were rough. For not retaliating and leaving me. For understanding I had a rough past and still with some issues to this day.” His answer, “we broke the cycle.” How much Our Lord Jesus knows our pains and struggles. How much He heard my cries as a teenager, saying randomly, how I never want to be like my parents or have a marriage like them. The times when I was left alone to grieve the loss of family from junior high through high school, keeping it inside, moving like a zombie pretending to be normal and happy. Through the time after high school, living a double life of seeking attention and finding myself in the pew with my sister’s family on Sunday’s because I felt I was holding onto something good.

In many ways, I know that’s why this blog started. It was healing and still is healing. I know the way God needed to reach me and stop the pain and focus I was starting to show in my marriage, despite putting in front of me a husband, stability, love, was to diagnose me with Lupus. I know for sure, that put me to change, have recourse in my life that I’m forever grateful. It allowed me to see truth.

Catechism of the Catholic Church: 1621

In the Latin Rite the celebration of marriage between two Catholic faithful normally takes place during Holy Mass, because of the connection of all the sacraments with the Paschal mystery of Christ. In the Eucharist the memorial of the New Covenant is realized, the New Covenant in which Christ has united himself for ever to the Church, his beloved bride for whom he gave himself up. It is therefore fitting that the spouses should seal their consent to give themselves to each other through the offering of their own lives by uniting it to the offering of Christ for his Church made present in the Eucharistic sacrifice, and by receiving the Eucharist so that, communicating in the same Body and the same Blood of Christ, they may form but “one body” in Christ.

Little Italy, Big Blessings

My husband is fortunate to go to conferences that take him to other places. This recent conference he’s attending is in San Diego. By the goodness of his heart, he asked me to come along with him and take advantage of the ocean air. No need for me to think twice, so I jumped on the opportunity.

We haven’t traveled like we used to. By this time, midway through year, we usually have taken 3 trips. Our marriage life has changed. Like mentioned before, Mom lives with us and so our decision making is based around her. No complaints! Just what we can do to make our lives balanced.

I always appreciate these trips. Partly because it’s paid for by his employer and gives me time to think. For some reason, I can’t think when mom is under my care. My blogging for one is less. Can’t seem to gather my thoughts. I would like to work on that though.

There wasn’t much of a plan to my schedule while in San Diego. I knew I wanted to think, have conversations with my husband, blog, read, and of course pray. I didn’t want to commit myself either. Didn’t want to have to be somewhere if I was in the middle of giving something attention.

Some people don’t mind that but for me, I can’t function that way. I need to. Cut off communication for a bit so I can do what I need and desire to do.

Like let things come. For example, yesteday was truly a treat! I had just dropped off my husband at the conference and drove our rental down to Little Italy. I love hanging out in that area because yes, it makes me feel just a little, that I’m somewhere in Italy. There are many you walk past who are speaking Italian. The food is great and the cappucinos are even better. I mean, when I can still drink a cappucino outside in June is a holiday to me. So after I parked my car in the parking lot that charges you way too much knowing you are either not going to park for two hours so let’s just give them a second option of 8 hours and gouge them. After I paid $18, I knew I just wanted to pop into Our Lady of the Rosary Church which is right next to the parking lot. Doors were wide open on a Monday about 11:30a. I thought ‘oh it must be for us tourists’, so I found a pew, bended down on one knee doing the sign of the Cross, and knelt in prayer. As I was near done, I saw there was a line gathering near what looked like the confessional?? Sure enough, they were. I thought what is the chance I’m here? First of all, I didn’t feel very well since I had been having stomach issues but thought no, I have time why shouldn’t I stay here. I got behind the last person and waited.

Thought there might be the chance, where I wasn’t going to get in. There were quite a few people, but thankfully I made it. After stating my sins, the grandfatherly like Priest (older man for sure), gave me spiritual direction I’ve heard before but for some reason, I needed to hear again. He said “fight the devil” to the sins I confessed first and then said “God is under control, we have nothing to worry”, when I responded to “do you have anything more to add?” His voice was strong, full of authority, experienced, but sincere. How could I not take his advice and the penance I needed with understanding.

I left the confessional feeling brave. I thought “wow, thank you Lord for bringing me here”. But then, after I rose my head up from praying, I noticed people were coming in for holy Mass. Sure enough, Mass was beginning at noon. Once again, I told myself, well there’s nothing better I wanted to do than keeping myself in the pew and attend Mass. This little parish is old school. The parish itself is 120 years old. The prayers said before Mass were not what I’m accustomed to. There was also a good amount of parishioners gathered.

When Mass ended, I hesitated to just get up and leave. I thought what next?? But sure enough, the faithful departed. And I left feeling lifted! How much I was meant to be there!

There are certain trips where I have an agenda. Mainly, new places we have never visisted. But when I travel most relaxed, there are blessings that come with it. Allowing God to speak to me because how He knows well, that I busy myself in thought, and don’t let what is needed to get done!

+++++

Thank you Holy Spirit, just passing the celebration of Pentecost. To know what is in my heart always, even before I speak, so that you know what I need help with. thank you Lord, for caring for us even when we think it is going a different direction. To pull back, help to refocus, and see where you want us to head next!

Our Lady of the Rosary, pray for us.

Sidenote: this parish, Our Lady of the Rosary, is undergoing renovations. See their website to donate. Also, if ever in Little Italy, San Diego, besides stopping at this parish, go to their gift shop as well. Best shop with best variety I’ve ever seen.

Unplanned

In light of the release of the film “Unplanned” which tells the story of Abby Johnson who was once a director for Planned Parenthood, who goes through a conversion to becoming one of the most leading voices in the Pro Life movement, I wanted to share a time in my life that I became a part of the Pro Life cause.

After a tough two years from being diagnosed with Lupus, I was seeking ways to use my energies and my renewed Catholic faith.

In the Church bulletin, was a post “volunteer crisis pregnancy counselors needed”. I thought ‘that sounds like something I want to be a part of. I have the time and I love babies, how difficult could this be?’ How clueless I was to soon find the raw and vulnerable situations I would be involved in.

Crisis Pregnancy Centers, CPC for short, had a two week training course for all volunteers. The training was designed to also inform them if the volunteer who completed it, could really take on the role.

The training had videos, speakers, manuals, and role play. The training included videos of actual abortion procedures, interviews, that left your mind spinning, and many tears. What I thought I knew about abortion was a completely sheltered world than from its true reality.

But I knew it in my heart, I wanted to continue and felt like the courage I was experiencing was not from me. I felt purpose!

When I served in this ministry, the women who came in for assistance, were of many backgrounds and nationalities. The women who worked or volunteered were from different Christian backgrounds. Out of these group of women, I would say out of the 40, maybe 5 were Catholic. CPC was not a Catholic agency.

I think if it wasn’t for some boisterous women who would like to voice their opinion of the Catholic Church, I would’ve stayed longer. It’s too bad such an important cause would have to have some bitter helpers.

But in either case, the women I counseled will always be a big piece to my heart.

There was a set of go to resources we would give the woman once we did their pregnancy test and if it showed positive. Like next steps, medical care, resources for food/nutrition, etc. We were given the freedom to pray with them and most of the time I did.

I’ll never forget one gal in particular. She came in appearing confused. She was young (like most) possibly 20. By her appearance, her clothes did not look fresh nor her hygiene. When I walked her into a counsel room, I then noticed her arms. They were riddled with heroin track marks. I didn’t want her to think I paid attention. And what came next was complete guidance by the Holy Spirit. By her approval we prayed waiting for results. Being a complete germaphobe, I lost myself in the fact, that I could’ve harmed myself since I was holding her bare arms. But it didn’t stay my focus.

Here I thought I was helping her in the beginning, yet I felt strength from her at the end. She seemed tired, scared, and needed someone to give her time.

Honestly, my memory doesn’t recall if her test was positive. All I remember, is how she touched me and know my Lord used me to meet her.

The women who came to CPC received love, direction, and support. Many are in need of hope. Most do not have money. But centers like CPC, are there for women to know they are respected and their unborn child will be cared for by the many resources who support CPC.

One of my biggest questions I have for the Pro Choice movement, is if they have really taken the time to see what an abortion does? To see what a “fetus” (BABY) shows in form and what it brutally does to a woman. If Planned Parenthood cares so much for the woman, I would like to see testimonies from the women who had abortions and what follow up care (emotional especially) they were given. Because I’ll tell you what, I never seen it. Where are the YouTube videos, website, Twitter, or feminist groups highlighting the post abortion care? I mean if it’s such a liberating action to have an abortion, why not film women explaining how valuable the process was? Where are these testimonies?

Kudos to Abby Johnson and the team who put this film together. Hopefully, there will be many who are not Pro Life, who will see this film.

If we practice our faith – Catholic or Christian, than our life decisions are based on that first. Not a political party, celebrity, or our opinion. If we place ourselves in all of God’s creation, we will take honor to His design.

Psalm 139

You formed my inmost being;

you knit me in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

My bones are not hidden from you,

When I was being made in secret,

fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me unformed;

in your book all are written down;

my days were shaped, before one came to be.

False Witness

In order to write this post, I have to reveal an area of sacrifice I’m working on this Lent. A part of self control, for me, is the sin of gossip.

Throughout my life, I have wrestled with this sin. Before I began practicing my faith, I never knew gossiping was a bad thing. It was all around me. Family and friends always used gossip in conversations. It was and still is a way to either vent or share things because we feel we can in either making fun of someone or puffing up our chests to make ourselves look better.

Over time, for me, I realized my confessions continued to cough up this sin and yet, no real self reflection struck me on why this was repeated.

At this stage in my life, I do find myself gossiping, but it’s like I told myself in a certain way…well, I’ll only go this far in sharing, or I won’t say too much as to not fall into the trap. But regardless, I would find myself reflecting on discussions I’ve had with others after that fact and see that no matter how I wanted to classify it, it was still gossip.

There is a fine line I want to say when it comes to being concerned over an individual when sharing things for the sake of helping them without their knowledge. Speaking about their decision making or ways that could hurt them spiritually, those incidents may cause for others to discuss and plan out what could be done to get them back on track. But to just have a field day about someone’s lifestyle or continued same actions that cause pain to others, does nothing to keep talking about how awful this person is to everyone.

Coming back to my sin of gossip during this Lent. I’ve come to take on an action that I first saw as my own penance. And that is to correct myself with those who I gossiped with as a way to reconcile my behavior and sin. Explaining to the individual, that I did wrong and that I shouldn’t have said what I said. Doesn’t matter if it was one word blurted out or ten. Doesn’t matter if I didn’t mean harm in sharing, because it is harmful no matter what. It places me in accountability. Makes me humble myself that I sinned and want to correct myself because Jesus placed it in my heart and eyes to see what I have done. Oh how much Our Lord wrestles my heart to show me my sin. I’m thankful.

What catches me to about gossip, is that I wish those individuals who do know it’s wrong, don’t pin it on me or correct me right on the spot. Gosh, how I wish they would. I’m not saying it’s easy to do but I’m going to start trying. Sometimes we don’t do that enough or at least in my circle I don’t see it. I also don’t see much in asking forgiveness for daily actions that can hinder unity or cause disruption. Most of the time, we don’t want to take notice we’ve done some thing wrong or pride ourselves that we are doing all things right. Really? There are some things to dig deep about and frankly, I would appreciate if my fellow Catholic/Christian would call me out when I sin so it’s corrected right then and there. But I know it’s not easy. Honestly, I know. And I know I will slip up again, but my hope is the day it completely stops for me. That I am so rooted, it doesn’t make me budge. And most of all, throughout this self examination, how the path through it gets me to God’s mercy. It’s there every time. Like the Light at the end of the tunnel. Once I’ve reflected, accounted for, asked forgiveness, His mercy is there…and I move on.

If the dialogue isn’t fruitful brothers and sisters, there is no end that points to a helpful solution, then do yourself and me a favor….don’t go there!

8th Commandment, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Added note: The Catholic Church has always taught there is a communal reconciliation