Tag Archives: faith

Ocean heals

Since I was about 9 years old, I spent my summer vacations in a simple town known as San Clemente.  It has grown much since I was 9.  Now it’s a vacation destination, many tourists, and pricy living. I was fortunate to have family who lived there so staying for months was no expense problem for my mom and dad. My aunt and uncle lived minutes away from the beach. I was blessed to experience the ocean air and mild summers. The thing is I didn’t know I was blessed. 

I always thought when I got to college age, that I would reside in Orange County and attend USC.  That all ended when a 6.2 earthquake happened and my foundation shook. Scared me to the core. But even after the earthquake, I would still go visit my family each summer. I just decided I could not live there anymore.

I always felt so comfortable being there. That had a lot to do with my aunt and cousin who treated me like I was a part of their family.   During my junior high years this became even more important to me.  My mom and dad divorced and all that I thought was secure was broken. My time there healed me. Going to the beach with my cousin, driving around to quaint little shops, eating ice cream at the parlors. My aunt would also make these wonderful dinners that during one summer, let’s just say I grew.  Their home and this beach town were refuge for me. When things were rough in my life, the San Clemente beach and my family helped me.

Fast forward, my bout with CDiff also received recompense from the beach.  In 2008, thanks to my dear husband, I spent many months with my San Clemente family trying to find peace. I went there either with my mom or on my own.  I had terrible anxiety and fear. I remember waking up at times and feeling the urge to take a drink of alcohol at 9 am. That had never happened to me before. I would also have panic attacks and need to take deep breaths to know I was OK.  It was horrible.

So there would be many moments where I would just drive by myself and just sit there at the beach or walk on the pier trying to recover. Crying and pleading and asking the Lord to free me. 

Then this is when I would begin to envision myself alone in the ocean completely immersed and feeling as though the water was Jesus’ mercy.  Letting go of all that I was holding onto and just floating in His care.   The image would give me comfort and allow me to breathe again.

That is why I believe today I have such a deep love for the ocean. I don’t just view it as water or a place to vacation to but I correlate it to God and how vast and wide His love is for us and how powerful He is over any pain.

Hand over your worry, fear, anxiety to Jesus and in replace ask Him to give you His peace, patience, and trust. Fall into His mercy and relax yourself in His protection. +++ 

A girl can’t help it!

Stress.

Stress + Lupus = Down time 

These last weeks there has been different levels of stress. Some everyday stress that I can deal with and one big stressful situation that with days gone by, seems to have taken its toll on me. 

That’s the weird thing with Lupus. You don’t know until it hits you how well you’re coping. It also becomes a pride issue because you want to say “I can handle it” but even when your mind may say that the attacks of stress are already hitting your body.

So now I’m there.

It’s our anniversary week and I have the feeling we will need to postpone a trip we made because of how I feel. I know that anymore added stress will just knock me and keep us from fully enjoying our time.

The good thing is that it really has been a long time since I’ve felt like this. It’s also not as bad as past flares but I know enough to know my limits.

The symptoms for this flare are mainly fatigue, wiped out energy, and a bit dizzy. If I have any energy, whatever ounce there is and I use, I’m down again.

Really as long as I’m with my husband to celebrate our 21st anniversary it doesn’t matter where we are.

Thanks be to God for His graces! No matter what, I know I am blessed to be where I am.+++

Patience and Prayer

There are things I do a bit different now that my mom lives with us. I find myself not participating in things as much which is somewhat a IMG_5900setback.

There were years after I was diagnosed with Lupus, where I didn’t want to commit to anything. One, it would cause paranoia, the thought of being around social scenes or people made me overwhelmed. Two, my lifestyle changed which meant I no longer was socializing the way I used to. I became more reserved. Mainly because I could no longer physically enjoy a “party” outing. Bars / dance clubs were no longer my thing.  My husband , thanks to his commitment to me, did what I wanted to do, so he too stayed away from people and events to stay with me.

However, in the past recent years, I was grooming myself to step out and stop being fearful. Making commitments whether taking classes, volunteer, simple friend dates, etc. I was feeling some confidence.

Lately, it feels like I’m not keeping that up and it’s starting to set me back to the old ways.

But today it hit me. Patience.

Life may have opportunities for me come June. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to get mom active. Use time to create. Just spend the time with her while my husband is working during the day. I need to redirect my focus and be joyful in my day. Not feel burden or weight of what I can’t change but look at what I can control.

Lately, I’ve been praying for the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Praying for change in me. I know that by praying for this my Lord will use me for purpose. Sometimes I think, I’m not around many people how can I be useful. But you never know what His design is if you keep thinking of it in your terms.

This blog for one. I pray that it is a useful tool to get others to relate as a first step closer to hopefully reaching out to Jesus.

Pray too for the gifts of the Holy Spirit! You’ll become salt of the earth if you try! Sometimes we want to get from point A to point B so badly, but it might just take a bit longer. There’s a reason my life is where it’s at. I’m truly grateful I am able to do what I am able to do. Keeping myself purposeful in the capacity that I can.

How do we ACTS?

It’s almost a week after our President’s inauguration.  There has been non stop coverage on his every move which has included executive orders.

I can’t remember past Presidents in their first week implement so much change.

Social media is flooded with people’s opinions. Most I’ve seen are those opposing him being President. I can see popular celebrity news spots helping the cause. In addition, sources who are not legit news sources, spreading fake information.

It’s crazy to me that some can’t tell the difference and so they share and pass on the wrong information.

I’ve been tempted to want to point out or say something but I come to the conclusion they’re just going to believe what they want to.  What a mess our news media is in!!

In these times we must be smart! Pay attention to what is happening around us to know how to combat the enemy which is the Deceiver himself. The joy of chaos it’s embracing seeing division and destruction.

I just wish more would search accurate facts of the issues and not just what a popular group wants you to believe. It’s quick to believe and judge.

I find myself watching multiple news sources just to get a balanced opinion. The news is moving so fast!!!

So what about the changes?

I try to keep a level head with friends and family when we don’t meet eye to eye. I want them to see it too that we are not always going to agree but I’m still worthy to have my viewpoint.

It is soul wrenching when you find in your relative or friend an issue you view concluded by your faith and they don’t! For example, they might be pro life but want to stop the flow of refugees. Again, unless you’re attending Mass weekly and feeding your soul, these two issues may look different but in faith we understand they go hand and hand.

I read this quote and thought back at the time of the organization of the Apostles after Jesus ascended into Heaven:

Read Acts of the Apostles. It was a beautiful time. All cared for each other and wanted all to succeed whether it was family, health, financial security.  What a world we would have if we followed Christianity the way it was intended to be.

Acts of the Apostles

Lupus Flares…Blessing reminders!

Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  In the beginning, I was often sick. I was prescribed heavy medication that for the most part, didn’t make me feel any better. I remember the sense of trying to find control and how I was going to live with this new life. Even though, I tried to hold onto my job, the stress of being reliable for my employer grew to be too much, so I quit. As I explained in my other blog posts, since then I did take other employment and volunteered which helped me grow as a person with an illness.

After 5 years of taking the same formula of medication, I dropped two of the heavy prescribed and stayed on one. Most lupus patients, may find it surprising, but I was on a steady dose of prednisone for 11 years.  I had always did well with my doctor visits and health that taking prednisone was easy for me. If a flare came up, I would just increase my dosage and like magic it would work instantly. However, due to doctor pressure, he told me it was no longer good for me to be reliant on and asked me to consider changing to plaquenil.  I hesitated. Two years I hesitated until finally I prayed to Our Lord and asked Him to please help my fear.  In 2012, I began taking plaquenil and since then, thanks be to God, I’ve done really good.

I mean, I still get flares and I noticed that when I get sick…I’m sick! Whether cold or flu…it hits hard but all in all, I think I’m handling them fine.   I can’t increase the plaquenil when I do get a flare and now…I just “suffer” through it.  The flares are mostly the same. Headaches, hot face/fevers, joint pain achy, fatigued, low energy, sometimes nausea.

But I have to say…now when I do get flares, I find myself in an emotional spin.

It makes me think of those with lupus who suffer far greater than me. Who are hospitalized. Who have to take chemotherapy. Who cannot get out of bed. Who have no one to help them. Who do not have the luxury of having to maintain a job.

I know I am blessed beyond my way to attempt try and explain. I know I have everything in my environment to deal with the case of the flare ups. But at times, I wonder if I am not doing enough to battle them! Do I give in too easily when the flares happen?  Do I not work through them by pushing myself? Am I not training my spirit enough to be more of a fighter when they come?

There is also the mental battle determining if this the “big one”?

I can’t help at times think that my lupus could get worse. Here I am going on fifteen years of SLE and all of it, in my view, has been such a blessing compared to other’s experiences.  Yet, every time I get blood work, the rheum always communicates that my markers are clear. The type of lupus I have is the terminally ill form. For years, I’ve worked with my Lord in pushing that out of mind. To demonstrate my life with the graces He gave me to show others, I accept His will and do my best for others.  To share with others, what He has taught me.

In these last three days, I’ve been going through a flare. I know it probably came on due to stress. Yet, my approach is the same. Decline all events. Find myself less sociable. Rest. But this time, I feel like I need to do more. So this time, I write.

Sitting in Mass yesterday, I asked my Lord for His will be done onto me.  Each and every time a flare happens.  It is a purging in some sense. Because it stops me and makes me think of my mortality.  What matters. What I need to let go. How much I want to be ready for Heaven.

Flares make you feel like life is passing by and you only have energy to look at it go by.

They are reminders when you are feeling great the other 98.9% of the time to do something with it. From the smallest gesture in a day to something grand.  I ask my Lord to help me with that! To help me with the battle of when it feels like I’m not fighting hard enough and instead of dragging that Cross He’s given you, to carry it up high, like an army soldier raising a victory flag! 🙂

Remember, suffering is part of your Christian transformation. Respond to it! When you do, Jesus will fill your life in ways you didn’t have before. +++

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Jesus fix us

On Tuesday, November 8th, our country voted Donald Trump to be our 45th President of the United States. 

I was already feeling some stress before the election like the majority but after Tuesday it feels like our country has shifted dramatically. There has been many protests. Some demonstrating their anger, fear, worry of racial divide, LGBTQ, and pro choice rights.And like always, others join the bandwagon and add mayhem clogging the message the protesters want to convey.

Even though I don’t have a clear allegiance to either political party, I did vote!  It has been this way for years. But  this election was different for me and for many. The campaigns were hostile and the candidates used insults on each other at a new level.

My problem with both sides is that neither platform upholds everything under the Light to which our faith instructs. I know it never has. However, I’m seeing many believe their party holds a majority of Light.  Unfortunately it tends to be those who are picking and choosing what party supports the issues they want to push in a way that leaves other important issues out. And when you go to them to try and admonish, they will say “that’s your interpretation”. But is it really? 

I’m not a perfect Catholic. I falter each day. I ask for clarity and examine my conscience.  I attend Mass weekly, receive the Eucharist, go to confession, and follow the daily readings, as well as, listen to voices of the Church for additional guidance. So I feel some confidence when I make this assertion.

So what is my point?! 

If all Christians, followed a form of obedience, most would be able to recognize what it is our Lord wants of us. They would know our moral compass will not be found in our new President or any political figure. That our beliefs are not held under one political party. I see good in both parties.  

As we’ve been hearing in the Mass readings these last weeks about end of times, is that Jesus will be coming “soon”. Soon as I was taught could really mean now or 100 years from now. Scriptures tell us what we will see and experience. This passage was covered recently and speaks to me especially now.

“Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves…

When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be given at that moment what you are to say. For it will not be you who speak but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will hand over brother to death, and the father his child; children will rise up against parents and have them put to death.

You will be hated by all because of my name, but whoever endures to the end will be saved.”

If one points out misdirection to a fellow Christian they get offended instead of seeing you’re doing it for their good. They rather defend the candidate than to see what you are doing is from love and points to faith.

I believe much of the chaos around us has to do with people not understanding their faith or they have no belief at all. So division among family, friends, strangers is at a high point right now.

Let’s go over the Old and New Testament commandments and review again and again!  I find many defending pro life but then don’t round up the rest of the life issues such as the poor, the refugee, the marginalized. How is it one can argue pro life and picket but not stand up for all life issues? Isn’t that choosing what you want from your faith? Is that not then idolatry because you’re creating your own faith/religion?

There’s so much incomplete news out there or lies being spread that it would do our nation great service if we just turned to God than to man. We’ll lose ourselves to anger,bitterness, rage. 

I know I may be accounting much of what is going on right now on the shoulders of Christians. I fully recognize Christians are not the only contributors but what I’m trying to convey is our accountability and how we as Christians should be speaking out when our brothers/sisters block out or limit teaching. 

This election has really shown me faith put into action. Good and bad. It saddens me that some lose sight of the corporal works of mercy and fruits of the Spirit. 

I pray there will be more love ahead and leaders who will unite and preach tolerance. 

God bless America and Pray for our President!