hope – Page 3 – CATHOLIC AND CHOCOLATE

Twist of Age

Recently a popular music artist by the name of Chris Cornell passed away. Apparent suicide. The news was heartbreaking. He was such a great talent to have killed himself at age 52 seems completely confusing.

Because of his passing, a slur of memories have come to mind not only from me, but also friends who during the 1980s, 90s were listening to music like his that came out of Seattle. Grunge rock they called it!

Friends and I were used to playing music by Chris Cornell. In our cars, at home, at social events and even live shows that we would attend. We had friends who were in bands who played covers of the artists we liked.

It was rebellious. It was loud. Went with what we were feeling at the time.

Somewhere around 1996, my music choices began to change. In my mind I was thinking that whatever my interests were at a time that correlated to a past, I no longer wanted to hold onto. So with a move out of the city to a bigger city, I left it.

For many years, even after my Lupus diagnosis, I kept myself from listening to music from that time. Until around 2011, when I turned 40. I began adding the songs of my past to my Spotify playlists. Now I listen to it almost everyday along with other classic rock songs.

But yesterday’s tragedy of Chris Cornell’s passing got me thinking. Where are those artists today in their spiritual walk? I thought of it because I thought how awful if they also choose to take their own lives and not ever know their value that only comes from Jesus.

It also made me wonder who in the groups of friends I hung out with, whom I no longer have contact with, found Jesus. I think of how wrong my life could’ve gone if I didn’t listen to those invisible texts in the sky from our Lord guiding me to follow Him. Those decisions where I could have taken a road away from him but decided to one step it towards His light.

Now when I listen to music from the past, I listen to it differently. All my gratitude where I’m at now in my life goes to Jesus in rescuing me out of darkness.

I wish these artists who unfortunately decided to take their lives were able to know the love of Jesus and could’ve written songs with the love they received from Him in their hearts. But we will never know. So when I hear the music and their God given talent, I appreciate them on a different level. Such mental suffering they were dealing with. Thank God He is merciful and only He knows what happens to them at time of death.

Catechism of the Catholic Church – 2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives

So this post, goes to those who are struggling with love and validation in their lives. To allow themselves to open up and share what they’re struggling with. To seek help and think of those who will suffer without them and how very important they are to their family and friends. Life is precious. Whatever it is you think you know about life, will be answered better if you give it to Jesus.

Rest in peace Chris Cornell +++

Heaven’s Eyes

It’s taken me a bit of time to muster up and write about this. I had wanted to do this for my Dad’s anniversary in February but it didn’t happen due to my own issues and events taking place at home.

This blog is about my Dad’s final suffering.

My memories of my Father are mixed. From a child until about 5th/6th grade, I have sweet memories. I can recall many things like road trips, hanging out on the weekend, family gatherings, etc.

My Dad had a bad drug and alcohol addiction. By 5th grade it had gotten worse. Mom and Dad separated and by 7th grade, they divorced. I stayed in Mom’s custody and began a relationship with my Dad that was not consistent.

Visits with him consisted of buying stuff at the mall, his attempt to bond. I don’t recall him being in touch with me years after. Then when he bought me a car, senior year, I would meet him for lunch or whatever but it’s not like I had a connection with him. It felt odd and distant. There were many times where I would go to his place where he lived and find him stone cold. Passed out. I would often be afraid to find him dead. Thanks to God that never happened but there was a time where I would wish God would take him. Strange mentality, but I was thinking it would end his addiction.

In July 1994, by the grace of God, Dad surrendered his life to Jesus. His life as we know transformed because of it. His life from that point on was to just love and share what he found in Jesus. He learned many humility lessons early on, actually throughout his life until his death. Reconciling with family, getting a job that paid less than half what he used to make, great remorse, but he was happy.

From this time until 2005, he led a humble life. He remarried and gave much of his time to his Free Methodist church. He even completed a program in theology.

At the end of 2005, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Sarcoma. He had a 14 pound tumor removed on Thanksgiving day. After surgery, he never got back to being “normal” again as much as he tried.

My Sister and I attended to him with doctor appointments, hospital stays. He was battling mentally and spiritually more than physically. He so much wanted to live because of what he found in Jesus. Freedom. Love. Peace.

This brings me to his last five days in hospice.

He had such peace. He knew fully well that when he was brought to hospice that this was it. He asked me, “the only thing I want is to be able to see the Tucson mountains from my room.” The place was God given.

He went through episodes of joy, fear, calm, laughter, and sorrow. Because I was self-employed I was able to be at his side all day and stayed with him the first night. We shared “shifts” between his wife and my sister. Both of them worked full-time, so because I didn’t work, I had time to be with him all day.

I remember feeling fatigued. Mentally drained. Always wondering if what we were doing was right with him. Medical treatment wise. Angry with past doctors. He was in much pain. I didn’t think of it then but I know now God graced me.

On the last day, February 20, 2006, his pain med had been increased. He was antsy! I remember getting up to go outside and sit but he grabbed my arm because he felt me move. I said “Dad it’s ok, I’m just going outside.” But then something told me to stay. So I stood next to him and just caressing his arm, telling him it’s okay. That I loved him. His restlessness stopped. And at that point, I remember staring at him into his eyes. He relaxed himself into his bed. I felt like my heart was being pulled to his and my being felt like I was taken away. When I looked into my Dad’s eyes it felt like I was going somewhere with him. I literally felt a pull. His pupils changed. I’ll never forget it.

After that, he fell into a heavy sleep. He slept the whole day and evening. When I left it was around 8 pm. My sister and step-mother were there. My Dad passed away around 9:30 pm.

Heaven became real to me that day. Not that I didn’t believe in heaven before. But this blessed experience helped me see my Dad’s life was headed to the eternal. I knew this. My mind had gotten so busy with what I was responsible for that I was forgetting what was happening here with my Dad. This moment definitely had me feeling I was a soul away, my Dad, from being to touch heaven. I saw the depth in my Dad’s eyes. Nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

I also know that my appreciation for those who are in their final hours is different for me now. My awareness is great!

I thank my Lord for this and for giving me my Dad Joel. I miss him greatly and still feel such a void in my life without him here. With that void, I turn to my Lord and with greater faith, press on so that I too join my Dad in heaven. +++

Jesus fix us

On Tuesday, November 8th, our country voted Donald Trump to be our 45th President of the United States.

I was already feeling some stress before the election like the majority but after Tuesday it feels like our country has shifted dramatically. There has been many protests. Some demonstrating their anger, fear, worry of racial divide, LGBTQ, and pro choice rights.And like always, others join the bandwagon and add mayhem clogging the message the protesters want to convey.

Even though I don’t have a clear allegiance to either political party, I did vote! It has been this way for years. But this election was different for me and for many. The campaigns were hostile and the candidates used insults on each other at a new level.

My problem with both sides is that neither platform upholds everything under the Light to which our faith instructs. I know it never has. However, I’m seeing many believe their party holds a majority of Light. Unfortunately it tends to be those who are picking and choosing what party supports the issues they want to push in a way that leaves other important issues out. And when you go to them to try and admonish, they will say “that’s your interpretation”. But is it really?

I’m not a perfect Catholic. I falter each day. I ask for clarity and examine my conscience. I attend Mass weekly, receive the Eucharist, go to confession, and follow the daily readings, as well as, listen to voices of the Church for additional guidance. So I feel some confidence when I make this assertion.

So what is my point?!

If all Christians, followed a form of obedience, most would be able to recognize what it is our Lord wants of us. They would know our moral compass will not be found in our new President or any political figure. That our beliefs are not held under one political party. I see good in both parties.

As we’ve been hearing in the Mass readings these last weeks about end of times, is that Jesus will be coming “soon”. Soon as I was taught could really mean now or 100 years from now. Scriptures tell us what we will see and experience. This passage was covered recently and speaks to me especially now.

“Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves…

When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be given at that moment what you are to say. For it will not be you who speak but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will hand over brother to death, and the father his child; children will rise up against parents and have them put to death.

You will be hated by all because of my name, but whoever endures to the end will be saved.”

If one points out misdirection to a fellow Christian they get offended instead of seeing you’re doing it for their good. They rather defend the candidate than to see what you are doing is from love and points to faith.

I believe much of the chaos around us has to do with people not understanding their faith or they have no belief at all. So division among family, friends, strangers is at a high point right now.

Let’s go over the Old and New Testament commandments and review again and again! I find many defending pro life but then don’t round up the rest of the life issues such as the poor, the refugee, the marginalized. How is it one can argue pro life and picket but not stand up for all life issues? Isn’t that choosing what you want from your faith? Is that not then idolatry because you’re creating your own faith/religion?

There’s so much incomplete news out there or lies being spread that it would do our nation great service if we just turned to God than to man. We’ll lose ourselves to anger,bitterness, rage.

I know I may be accounting much of what is going on right now on the shoulders of Christians. I fully recognize Christians are not the only contributors but what I’m trying to convey is our accountability and how we as Christians should be speaking out when our brothers/sisters block out or limit teaching.

This election has really shown me faith put into action. Good and bad. It saddens me that some lose sight of the corporal works of mercy and fruits of the Spirit.

I pray there will be more love ahead and leaders who will unite and preach tolerance.

God bless America and Pray for our President!