lupus – CATHOLIC AND CHOCOLATE

25 Years

Twenty five years young, Ruben and I celebrate today. On February 16,1996 we said our “I do’s” with little knowledge we knew of what a commitment for life would mean. From the moment of our big wedding until now, our lives would grow in ways we didn’t know we needed. And that’s all in thanks to Jesus!

When we met in 1991, we were coworkers who then hung out as friends. It took a while to realize we wanted to date each other. And once we did, it soon became clear to me, who I wanted as my forever mate.

I came from a life of no structure and Ruben came from clear opposite. He came from a life of confidence and was I still seeking it. We both had some seeds of faith sprinkled in our lives that our family had given us, but neither one of us understood it as a priority or its strong purpose.

But through each movement, Ruben let me see his trust. That when his proposal came with the truest love I have ever seen, I said yes with all shakiness and insecurity inside of me. I used to look back at times and think how did I deserve his offer? But now my thoughts confidently shift and know whole heartedly, it was divinely designed. A year later, the great day came. When we took each other’s hands, in God’s presence, and vowed our forevers.

We quickly initiated our marriage life away from our hometown and worked towards our budding new careers. A few years later, a new home, a new stage of life, and a new stage of growth.

In 2001, five years later, lupus changed our stride. Making me weak and having us see, there was lack of importance in our marriage that needed our attention.

Then our brother passed away. And my Dad did too. Life kept teaching us fragility, sacrifice, commitment, and the need to turn to God in every way.

God has continually moved in our lives to grow in areas we didn’t know we needed. To mature and strengthen for what came next. But this only came because we gave Him access into our marriage. Showing us the life we needed to have Him, breathe in us.

And from the very beginning even though we came into our marriage with thorns and thistles (pains/brokenness from the past) to what we thought was enough to offer our marriage, God little by little began to bloom and sow our love throughout these 25 years. How much we were unaware of the need of Him in the soil of souls. To become who we are today and yet better, by God’s grace, who we are tomorrow.

Our life is ever changing and so is our maturity. We are nowhere perfect, but we help each other along the way. We know now our true life is handing over the control and giving to God what is His. To strive for a better marriage not just for ourselves, but for others to whom He places in our lives. It truly is all thanks be to God.

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Happy 25th Anniversary, my Hub.

My hero, my best friend.

Check your oil!

For about a week, it feels as though there is a turn happening. I don’t know if it is actually happening all parts of the world or just what it seems like for me. The feeling feels like a coming on the verge of something.

Part of it, I believe, stems from fatigue now caused by the continued quarantine and restrictions. I hear it in my relatives voices and see it in the eyes of strangers. At the grocery store, where usually small talk happens, the aim is now the quicker the customer moves out of the way, the better.

Protests under the name of “Black Lives Matter” continue to happen to a degree in cities across the United States, but it appears now some are disguising under it and are rebels causing havoc on the police and city structures.

Racial history and education still much on the forefront, as it should be. Self reflection from individuals to enterprises, changing their company names and associations to themes associated with racial slurs or connotations.

There are those a part of this rebel agenda, who are trying to hijack the race discussion by turning their attention to the Catholic faith in vandalizing statues or churches. They believe these Saint statues were a part of racial injustices. On top of, there have been fires in different parts of the world that have ruined aged cathedrals. One, I know to be arson. The others are still under investigation.

Because there are more issues populating the news feed outside of the Corona virus, it only adds to the hysteria and paranoia to more and more people. People’s patience turning into anxiety, fear, and deeper worry. I have caught myself into it. I feel it physically. Today, I find out my very special aunt who has Parkinson’s is battling it to a high degree. There’s constant news thrown in your face on all the many things happening in our world instead of calming people in the changes that may need to be. Namely, that corona may be here for a while, but on the horizon, a vaccine to help combat it.

Unfortunately, I had to confront a sister of mine on a video she was sharing. This wasn’t the first time a video like this had been sent to me by family. But I had to. Videos like this surfacing all over social media. People giving attention to false prophets telling them that the George Floyd death was planned. Corona virus being provoked by the Democrats. Political talk that shimmers light on a figure that shows them walking a righteous path of God ignoring facts that not all steps have been the best for some individuals or people.

I told her to stop buying into this propaganda. To save them self away from this undue fear. How much the enemy wants us to play into these games and be trampled on in our souls and family lives. Invoking despair and passing it onto others as to lose focus on what we should be focusing on.

As I finished writing this, the thought of the virgins with the lampstands came to mind.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins.“Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them,but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps.Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep.At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps.The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked.Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Therefore, stay awake,^* for you know neither the day nor the hour.

My armor and might the Lord has reminded me is to fight with prayer, repentance, and love. To continue to point others to Whom we place our trust and to give Him all control. The day is not to be used in fear, but to pray and love one another. Those are things we can be definite about to our day. Nothing else is in our control. Let’s give Him our days.

COVID19

This post has been transpiring since March 3rd, but only now I sit and write.

The world has been struck a virus. A deadly virus that was born in China and spread rapidly throughout the world (even though that’s under investigation of its origin). Each country receiving devastating results. Hospitals past capacity, treating patients in tents outside as well. In the United States, it hit the State of Washington first. Initially, this virus, called COVID19 (Corona virus), was informed as attacking the elderly and those who are immune suppressed. As the world was showing, as days passed, the information started changing by the minute. It now is known as attacking anyone. No clear rule or definition. People surviving on ventilators. Becoming very sick, near death without any underlying health issues. At this point, after almost 3 months, the world seems to be calming down from this virus.

Because of the rapid spread, the world was on quarantine, which happen to begin when Lent was still in effect. Quarantine, by the way, is a Latin word meaning forty days of isolation. Countries began to follow suit and forbid people to go out, only if medical attention or to buy food. The phrase “shelter in place” or “stay home” commonly used so that people understood staying home meant less spread of the virus. This only drew up fear in some that the shopping frenzies began. People stormed to the grocery stores, big box stores, and bought out all the toilet paper, hand sanitizer, etc. For weeks, people would crowd and stockpile items that didn’t have to be taken since the quarantine never meant you couldn’t go out to buy things when needed.

During the initial weeks, my husband and I were home, while Mom whom we care for, was with my sister.

The daily news fed stories on hospital workers, grocery workers, Amazon (on-line store) workers, “essential workers”, that were working around the clock trying to keep up with the demand. Everyday around three o’clock, the President would give a press conference with some medical professionals and scientists on what is being monitored, done to help, and future impact.

My husband who works for healthcare, was non stop busy from March 3 for a month. There would be days that he didn’t leave the face of his computer. He was working around the clock along with his staff and the entire hospital. All that they were working on came to a screeching halt because the focus turned to COVID19 and how the hospitals were responding. Extra facilities were being opened up to house the not so critical patients so that the hospital could deal with the high number of COVID19 patients. Weeks of intense issues popping up everyday. There was a moment in the late evening, husband still on a conference call, where I heard him say “hold on, my head is spinning.” I felt helpless.

All I did while my husband worked away was prepare him meals and pray. I prayed and prayed. Along with all my family and friends. The world. Out of our control. And from my experiences due to my health, that was somewhat normal.

Then, we received news that we could no longer attend Church. That due to the virus spread, we couldn’t by law be in a congregation setting. Rules starting to dictate no more than 10 can be together. Keep six feet apart. Wear a mask. The virus was airborne and so everything that brought people together, could no longer. Sports, concerts, movie theaters, etc.

Initially, Ruben did all the shopping. Due to my immune and not having a supply of masks, he would go and buy us what we need. We bought food that we felt could last us some weeks. Good in that, we don’t normally eat much on our own.

In the beginning of the quarantine, it felt like okay, this is what we have to do. We’ll handle it! So did our neighborhood and community. We all felt like we will be at peace and have patience. Tons of neighbors walking about. For the most part, people were working from home too so you would see them out all hours of the day.

Then more orders from the government came. Adding more weeks to the quarantine because states like New York and California were hitting devastating numbers of patients and deaths.

In the midst of monitoring the United States and the our impact, I was also seeing China and Italy. They too had devastating cases, but then you saw that the virus had touched the whole world except for Antarctica. India was and is still being hit harshly and it appears their government is only making it worse.

The month of March happened in a second.

April started to feel less strained and with holy week approaching, it felt like no other holy week. Again, none could attend Church and out of all weeks of the year, this is the week most attend. Not even explaining the loss of the Eucharist and how odd on so many levels it was, still is, not to receive.

Pope Francis called for prayer many times throughout. The impact of his prayer and focus for all to watch on TV or live stream, I know for me, meant so much. There was a moment during a special prayer, where he upheld the monstrance outside of St Peter’s in a way that through the TV, struck my soul. Tears abound.

Throughout April until now, our family dealt with trials in the midst of the pandemic. Thanks to God not due to financial needs, but physical and mental health. I felt like the need and call for prayer has intensified each week. I’m sure we are not the only ones feeling this.

Easter brought hope! Renewed faith. The extra weeks of quarantine were coming to an end. Stores were now showing a normal supply of stock. Some exhale was beginning.

May 15th, the date the State of Arizona ended quarantine. Restaurants, salons, shopping centers, all were allowed to open up but only with strict rules. Wear a mask at some and others, your choice. Stay 6 feet apart. Only so many allowed in a store at a time. Enter in one way, exit another. But hey, it’s better than nothing.

Then there became talk about wearing a mask. Mask shows weakness. Liberal agenda insisting on wearing a mask. The most hilarious conversation on the use of a mask. Yes, I wear my mask. I still do. Did before and do now. Lupus will teach you that!

Three weeks out now, but now our world is addressing another virus. On May 26th, a police officer made a decision that has affected our focus once again. Look up George Floyd. I will use another blog to address this event because it has caused me to unpack so many thoughts and feelings.

Don’t know if we will ever get back to normalcy. These last weeks all feel like one month. My husband and I haven’t visited our families. We miss them. We miss doing ordinary things, but know we have a purpose and call to prayer to get us through. All that is happening is requiring us not to just think of ourselves, our country, but the world. How much we are in need of each other. It doesn’t end. The reminders in various ways. And throughout it all, the deep rooted biblical messages. That too, I would like to dive into in another blog.

The chant in the beginning of the pandemic, “We’re all in this together!” I hope so.

Primal Loss Book Review

There was a book circulating on Instagram from those I follow that caught my attention, “Primal Loss, The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak” by Leila Miller.

It didn’t take me long to realize this would be a tough one to read.

Leila Miller, a Catholic author/writer, compiled questions and answers from participants from all walks of life. The book, “gives voice to the adult children of divorce. Their stories are not pretty. ..breaks through layers and layers of pro-divorce propaganda.” Answers are given numbers to keep the participant anonymous. Much of the responses I could relate to, to the point of highlighting, noting a page, and writing in my answers.

Chapter one, “The Effect of the Divorce”, the first question, ‘What effect has your parents’ divorce had on you?’ The answers are raw and some sound as if they are still struggling. Response noted: “Stunted my ability to properly form my own emotions” and “parental presence, instruction, and stability were often missing in my childhood.”

The second chapter, “Feelings as Child vs. Feelings as Adult, what is the difference between how you felt about divorce as a child and how you feel about it as an adult?” There was a response I highlighted from a woman who spoke about her brokenness and how she carried it into her marriage. That early on, she wrestled with the behaviors, but thanks to God, her husband, “never gave up…even when I gave him reason to walk away…through their marriage, I have come to learn what love means, what truth means.”

Third chapter, “View of Marriage, has our parents’ divorce affected your own marriage or your view of marriage?” A reply noted: “I struggle with trusting my husband. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I am sure must be related to the feeling of abandonment by my family of origin.”

Fourth chapter, “Are children resilient? What do you want to say to people who say that ‘children are resilient’ and ‘kids are happy when their parents are happy’ and ‘kids of divorce will be just fine and will go on to live successful lives?” Responses marked: “What divorce does is shatter that universe in a drastic and traumatic way, and there’s no coming back from that. It even changes the way you perceive reality, you become anxious, nothing ever feels safe or predictable, and you’re always waiting for the piano to fall” and “I was never happy with the way things were. I simply accepted that I had no control over any of it.”

Chapter five, “Speak to your parents, then and now, what would you say directly to your parents…how it affected you, would you advise them to do it differently?” Response noted: “I would have told them that God must be at the center of their marriage, that they were losing focus on the family, and that they were pursuing too much of their own self interest” and “I didn’t even know my pain was buried, but every now and then something would trigger this little girl inside of me.”

Chapter six, “What society should know, what do you most want adults in our society to know about how divorce affects the children?” Response noted: “I’d want them to know that divorce is likely affecting their kids in way that they, the adults, can’t see or understand” and kids “often don’t gain the vocabulary and perspective to even begin to articulate all they are experiencing and questioning until well into adulthood.”

Chapter seven, “The role of faith in healing, what role has your faith played in your healing?” Response noted: “My faith taught me that marriage is a vocation that leads me to unification to God. It isn’t “romantic” love or superficial happiness; true love is an act of will.”

Chapter eight, “To those facing divorce, what would you want to say to children facing their parents’ divorce today?” Response noted: “You will confuse them and make them feel abandoned in the process” and “all the positive things you modeled for your children will be eclipsed by the disordered things you modeled when divorce is the punchline” and “even though they are children, they have a voice and should say, loud and clear, what they are feeling.”

Now my response.

I begin by admitting, the book took me a while to finish. For whatever reason, I would become anxious before and while reading. There were emotions, thoughts, that I felt I was clear of, but then memories surfaced that I had forgotten. I would stop and think, text my sister, ask for her recount. Sometimes, I would ask my Mom questions throughout the day, to see if she could recall situations. And for those who don’t know me or my blog, my Dad is no longer alive. He passed away in 2006 from sarcoma cancer. However, before my Dad died, we did talk and reconcile (thanks be to God).

Before I go any further, I wanted to share when I found out my parents were divorcing. It was a weekday morning. I was leaving to go to school in 7th grade. That’s when I was given the news. I clearly remember it was in the winter, clear morning, and my world began to close in. My sister, who is eight years older than me, was already married with her new little family. My Dad was quickly out of the house which left just Mom and me. Mom worked a full time job and soon began to search in her ways of attention and self seeking joy. In 7th grade, I tried marijuana and alcohol and continued using through my Sophmore year of high school. Time at home on the weekends was on my own or, thanks to my sister, spent with her on the weekends. My Mom and Dad led selfish lives fulfilling their own needs and not looking towards mine. I was fed and clothed, but the impact of my parents non-emotional non-spiritual care was heavily felt.

Even after reconciling with my mom a couple of years ago, this book pushed out things I still had trapped in my heart I didn’t know I had. Thankfully, when we spoke she listened to me when I vented the pain it caused me. Mom is 77 years now. So even though, there are more things I would like to clear up, she can’t recall nor does she have capacity to help me resolve. In a way, once I realized that, it saddened me because I know I will need to deal with it with God and on my own.

This book was a challenge, but I know I had to read it not just for me, but also for my nephews and niece who are also victims of divorce. I can see much of their own behaviors in the book that match. They are adults now. This book gives me knowledge that I could help them in ways I didn’t notice before.

But I think the biggest thing I took away from this book, is my progress made by faith as a now adult child of divorce.

There was a moment in the book when I jumped up, put the book down, and ran over to my husband and cried to him. I literally saw God’s hand paint over my life from the time of the family destruction to where I am now. Holding my husband’s hand, I cried and said, “Thank you! Thank you for staying with me in the beginning when our first years of marriage were rough. For not retaliating and leaving me. For understanding I had a rough past and still with some issues to this day.” His answer, “we broke the cycle.” How much Our Lord Jesus knows our pains and struggles. How much He heard my cries as a teenager, saying randomly, how I never want to be like my parents or have a marriage like them. The times when I was left alone to grieve the loss of family from junior high through high school, keeping it inside, moving like a zombie pretending to be normal and happy. Through the time after high school, living a double life of seeking attention and finding myself in the pew with my sister’s family on Sunday’s because I felt I was holding onto something good.

In many ways, I know that’s why this blog started. It was healing and still is healing. I know the way God needed to reach me and stop the pain and focus I was starting to show in my marriage, despite putting in front of me a husband, stability, love, was to diagnose me with Lupus. I know for sure, that put me to change, have recourse in my life that I’m forever grateful. It allowed me to see truth.

Catechism of the Catholic Church: 1621

In the Latin Rite the celebration of marriage between two Catholic faithful normally takes place during Holy Mass, because of the connection of all the sacraments with the Paschal mystery of Christ. In the Eucharist the memorial of the New Covenant is realized, the New Covenant in which Christ has united himself for ever to the Church, his beloved bride for whom he gave himself up. It is therefore fitting that the spouses should seal their consent to give themselves to each other through the offering of their own lives by uniting it to the offering of Christ for his Church made present in the Eucharistic sacrifice, and by receiving the Eucharist so that, communicating in the same Body and the same Blood of Christ, they may form but “one body” in Christ.

Unplanned

In light of the release of the film “Unplanned” which tells the story of Abby Johnson who was once a director for Planned Parenthood, who goes through a conversion to becoming one of the most leading voices in the Pro Life movement, I wanted to share a time in my life that I became a part of the Pro Life cause.

After a tough two years from being diagnosed with Lupus, I was seeking ways to use my energies and my renewed Catholic faith.

In the Church bulletin, was a post “volunteer crisis pregnancy counselors needed”. I thought ‘that sounds like something I want to be a part of. I have the time and I love babies, how difficult could this be?’ How clueless I was to soon find the raw and vulnerable situations I would be involved in.

Crisis Pregnancy Centers, CPC for short, had a two week training course for all volunteers. The training was designed to also inform them if the volunteer who completed it, could really take on the role.

The training had videos, speakers, manuals, and role play. The training included videos of actual abortion procedures, interviews, that left your mind spinning, and many tears. What I thought I knew about abortion was a completely sheltered world than from its true reality.

But I knew it in my heart, I wanted to continue and felt like the courage I was experiencing was not from me. I felt purpose!

When I served in this ministry, the women who came in for assistance, were of many backgrounds and nationalities. The women who worked or volunteered were from different Christian backgrounds. Out of these group of women, I would say out of the 40, maybe 5 were Catholic. CPC was not a Catholic agency.

I think if it wasn’t for some boisterous women who would like to voice their opinion of the Catholic Church, I would’ve stayed longer. It’s too bad such an important cause would have to have some bitter helpers.

But in either case, the women I counseled will always be a big piece to my heart.

There was a set of go to resources we would give the woman once we did their pregnancy test and if it showed positive. Like next steps, medical care, resources for food/nutrition, etc. We were given the freedom to pray with them and most of the time I did.

I’ll never forget one gal in particular. She came in appearing confused. She was young (like most) possibly 20. By her appearance, her clothes did not look fresh nor her hygiene. When I walked her into a counsel room, I then noticed her arms. They were riddled with heroin track marks. I didn’t want her to think I paid attention. And what came next was complete guidance by the Holy Spirit. By her approval we prayed waiting for results. Being a complete germaphobe, I lost myself in the fact, that I could’ve harmed myself since I was holding her bare arms. But it didn’t stay my focus.

Here I thought I was helping her in the beginning, yet I felt strength from her at the end. She seemed tired, scared, and needed someone to give her time.

Honestly, my memory doesn’t recall if her test was positive. All I remember, is how she touched me and know my Lord used me to meet her.

The women who came to CPC received love, direction, and support. Many are in need of hope. Most do not have money. But centers like CPC, are there for women to know they are respected and their unborn child will be cared for by the many resources who support CPC.

One of my biggest questions I have for the Pro Choice movement, is if they have really taken the time to see what an abortion does? To see what a “fetus” (BABY) shows in form and what it brutally does to a woman. If Planned Parenthood cares so much for the woman, I would like to see testimonies from the women who had abortions and what follow up care (emotional especially) they were given. Because I’ll tell you what, I never seen it. Where are the YouTube videos, website, Twitter, or feminist groups highlighting the post abortion care? I mean if it’s such a liberating action to have an abortion, why not film women explaining how valuable the process was? Where are these testimonies?

Kudos to Abby Johnson and the team who put this film together. Hopefully, there will be many who are not Pro Life, who will see this film.

If we practice our faith – Catholic or Christian, than our life decisions are based on that first. Not a political party, celebrity, or our opinion. If we place ourselves in all of God’s creation, we will take honor to His design.

Psalm 139

You formed my inmost being;

you knit me in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

My bones are not hidden from you,

When I was being made in secret,

fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me unformed;

in your book all are written down;

my days were shaped, before one came to be.

Strike One, Strike Two, Strike Three

I feel like such failure.

For some reason lately I am greatly battling my attitude. I feel more than ever my response can be negative and unwelcoming. Where I’m pessimistic and say things without a care whether what I’m saying is heard or not. And through it all, signs of impatience are easily given off.

Is it me? Is it hormones? Is it just Lent and because I’m walking through I’m being attacked?

All I know about this, is that I hate it! I hate that there’s that piece of me that I show others that doesn’t show Christ in my life. That I have not asked or done my part to rid myself of it. At least, that’s how it feels. Like I’m not doing enough about it.

I notice when I get high strung, stressed, impatient, this negative side of me appears. It is more so when I think I’m being provoked. But regardless of how it comes, I should not be allowing it to rear its ugly head.

I was told by a priest in the confessional in order to respond to these situations, I should stop and call our Lord in prayer. To pray and not react. But I’m not consistent. A part of me wonders will I ever change? What am I missing?

My heart is heavy right now. Because I’ve been helping others in their own area of lives, with virtue and prayer, yet I demonstrated something to them that was not an example I wanted to convey.

Now that I know damage is done, I’m struggling on how to correct it without placing to much emphasis towards me but letting the other person who I feel received my sin know my remorse. I’ve asked Our Lord for His correction. And even though I’m carrying regret from my actions, I am thankful Jesus showed me my wrong doing.

Thus, the purpose of prayer is perhaps less to obtain what we ask than to Become someone else. We should go further and say that asking something from God transforms us, little by little, into people capable of sometimes doing without what they ask for. -Father Bernard Bro, o.p.

I want to be free of this but more importantly to gain a stronger charitable spirit, peace, and patience no matter what the situation.

Lord, help me, change me.

Instrument of Your Hands

Lord, make me an instrument of your hands to care for my mother in her now final season of life.

When she’s impatient, help me to be patient.

When she’s anxious, help me to be peace.

When she worries, help me to show faithfulness.

When she is angry, help me with self-control and gentleness.

Lord, help me to not be overcome by the weight of this journey you have us on.

For through it, it is not only to tend to her needs, but lessons in selflessness and trusting your will where I am to learn.

Thank you for the graces you give us each day and the tender love you allow us to have knowing one day, it will always be with me to carry on.

Shake the dust

During these days as I’m dealing with a lupus flare triggered on by what is referred to as “overdoing it”, it has me reviewing my life as these occurrences often do.

For one, “overdoing it”. For someone else doing same task, may cause some minor fatigue. Nothing that a good nights rest won’t heal. For me, it puts me out of commission where I have no energy, get exerted easily, body aches (pangs in bones), and fever like spells. Thanks to God, mild, compared to others who suffer flares.

This week I thought I would have open to catch up with some friends and family. With Thanksgiving being next week and the busy holiday season beginning, I thought I could get to some undivided visits but this will have to wait.

With the flares and change in plans, it makes me revisit a repeated life encounter. A situation that for 17 years I’ve had to deal with multiple times and still find people who do not understand – the I’m sorry I have to cancel – or – I’m sorry I cannot attend. Either because I’m not feeling well or to pace myself for events that I had to prioritize.

When these situations come the most exchange that may happen is simply a decline to an invitation or cancel out to a casual meet up. If it permits, person asks, I will give more detail why, which helps me relieve stress. If it doesn’t happen, then I can most likely assume they don’t understand or don’t care. That may be harsh, but at this time in my life, I can basically read it.

So what does this mean? It means I no longer worry for the other person’s reception. For years, it would concern me. Worry me. Make me feel like I would have to make it up to them. Even if I felt I proved I truly cared about them or demonstrated that my relationship to them was important to me in multiple ways. But there are some who count things against you and just like that, nothing you did or who you are is enough to show you mercy.

This passage in Matthew 10 comes to mind when I struggle with letting go of the situation.

MATTHEW 10:12-14

As you enter a house, wish it peace.

If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; if not, let your peace return to you.

Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words—go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.

In my bible study, it was taught this means to move on, let go. If you did what you can and they still don’t receive it, it’s not your problem, it is theirs!

Does it mean you don’t forgive them? No! Don’t remove yourself from them with a hardened heart. Give over the situation to the Lord, let Him take control. It just means you cannot waste your energy on something you no longer have peace with.

It has taken me a while to get to this point in my life. But as I get older with lupus, the challenges are tougher and at times I just go for what is easiest. Some will understand and some will not.

Thank God for those in my life who do understand.

Time

Lately, I’ve been in some kind of mode of embracing the present. It’s not that I have never had these moments before like when at a family gathering, or a trip, or an outing. I have had many that I’m thankful Our Lord push that button in me to recognize so that I can grab onto it. But lately, it seems to be more prevalent.

As I mentioned before, my Mom lives with us. It’s now going on 3 years. However, these last months, she’s been staying with my sister in Tucson. My sister and I both knew this is how it would probably work out with my sister now living in Tucson. It gives Mom the flexibility of having both of our homes to live. Tucson is her hometown and we both want her where she’ll have most peace.

So in this time, Mom not being home with me, I have the time to work on things or be a part of things that I have held off. That’s mainly my issue since I tend to give my attention fully to her when she’s with me. I have not mastered to balance my life and responsibility of her very well.

These days, in whatever it is I’m doing, I find myself stopping to a moment or fixate on what I’m doing more often. It can be anything from a physical ability or the wind hitting my skin. A memory from childhood or a book I’m reading that will make me stop and center on it.

When I recently saw my Mom who I hadn’t seen for three weeks, I just held onto her. Recognizing how I really have missed her. Thanking God to have the time shared.

I’m not sure I fully understand why it’s happening. Part of it, I admit, could be the world news. Random shootings, natural disasters, family suffering…I also think about where my husband and I are in our lives. I’m 46 yrs and he’s 51. The clarity is there that we are letting go of that youthful time and entering the next season. We have lived in our first home for 19 years. And with some recent home projects we have done, I have remembered the memories we have had or our marriage has had living here. Also being aware of some blessed wisdom we have received and awareness of faith in our lives has added to that present moment thought process. In no way am I saying that we are a well oiled machine and got it all right, we are learning each day. But to know and use that basic toolbox of faith and apply it to our lives, means so much at this stage in our lives.

I take this current situation in my life as a gift. I’m sure many of us have it. I’m going to try record about it more. With time passing by fast it seems, I at times get a little anxious because I physically can’t see all I would like. I truly love each one who I know on the most part understand. I can’t get to everyone in the sit down way I would like. Most of the time, I have to compromise how I use my energy. But I can for sure say, I have remembered a life event or given a prayer for each one in present moments each day as I think of them.

I just found this article. I’m sure I’ve learned about this before, but lost its significance. I’m linking it to share so that it may guide you too.

It’s from Catholic News Agency titled ‘Are you missing the gift of the present?’

https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=67

Thank you Lord for giving me this gift I didn’t first recognize as one. Now I will be sure to embrace it even more.

Reveal

Lately, I’m torn on whether to make known my identity.

When I first started this blog, I never had intent to give more information about myself. Only wanting to share my experiences to help others in their journey of faith.

Does sharing identify help or does it change focus to look at me and see me instead of my life story? Because if you were to see a picture of me, you may not see that I have had the life I had or have now.

From this blog, I also maintain an Instagram account. It gives a quick feed to what is happening in your blog or just simple insights. Without intending it to be, it has brought a community I had no idea existed. I receive much encouragement from it, as well as, I learn more about the faith that what I thought could be possible from this social media.

Honestly, revealing does have to do with the issue of confidence for me. Something I’ve struggled with all my life. The rejection, people misconstruing your intentions with pride, the pressure to portray who you truly are. The Instagram account wasn’t meant to fit a mold with other Catholic women, which I think (at times) accounts appears to show. I’m not saying it shouldn’t because I think it does benefit some. For me, the account is to express my faith in many areas of how I practice it.

For now, I think I will leave my account the way it is. I enjoy it and love to share. If it is fit for me to reveal, for a circumstance or situation , I will decide at that time. Until then, I’m thankful for those who follow this blog and Instagram account.